A Phaser Blast From the Past
by stars90
Summary: Nyota Uhura had never quite been able to decide what she thinks of James T. Kirk. But when a large contingent of some of the greatest minds in the Federation visits the Enterprise, she and the rest of the crew find themselves reevaluating everything they thought they knew about their Captain, and trying desperately to hold on for the ride.
1. Chapter 1

**My first Star Trek story! As anyone who knows me will probably say, that's something of a miracle. Anyway, I usually don't support multiple ships for the same person, but the only ships I can really got on board with for rebooted Star Trek are Kirk/Uhura or Kirk/Carol. I have nothing against Spock, but the chemistry feels forced through the characters by the actors rather than between them. Anyway, on with the show!**

Nyota Uhura had never met anyone who sparked such a multitude of reactions in her as James Kirk. The first time they'd met he'd been drunk and hitting on her in a bar, but he'd clearly been smarter than he'd appeared at first glance. Then he'd gotten into a bar fight, shooting his impression back into its first direction. All their years together in the academy had been marked by endless flirting and teasing comments, but he always made sure not to step over the line, and without consciously realizing it their banter had developed into some sort of game between the two of them. He'd been out with countless women at the academy, but even being as intimately aware of all the gossip as a vivacious, socially outgoing communications expert was bound to be she'd never heard a single complaint about his behavior from any of the girls he'd taken out. He'd cheated on the Kobayashi Maru, which earned some serious ire from her, but the incident with Nero happened right after, and that earned him enough brownie points to put the test on the back burner. Throughout her entire tenure under his command he'd kept up the back and forth of giving her things to like and things to hate, but her increasing professional respect for him had given the like just enough of a tip to allow them to become friends. Kirk still completely baffled Uhura, and she was still seeing the parts of him she'd disliked, although the incident with Khan and Admiral Marcus had left it in a state where these things weren't enough to tip her overall opinion back to dislike. But she wasn't quite sure how she thought about Jim Kirk, and figured she never would be. Then, out of the blue, one incident shattered this pattern forever in a way she could've never expected or thought possible.

She came to understand him.

She almost preferred the flip-flop.

* * *

Uhura sat in the briefing room with the rest of the _Enterprise_'s senior officers going over the itinerary and details for their next mission. The _Enterprise_ would be playing host to a large group of Federation scientists and engineers for a very unique conference. The efforts to assist the remainder of the Vulcan population in establishing a new home and maintaining their cultural and scientific achievements had caused a large upheaval in the sector of space in which New Vulcan was situated. The delegation was to be touring several planets in the region in an effort to determine what if anything had been neglected as well as smooth over the collaboration on scientific endeavors which had been disrupted by the chaos. As this left them with several working stops before the final meeting on Memory Alpha, it was decided that the conference would begin en route, necessitating all the attendees being taken the whole way onboard a single starship. Most of the crew was ecstatic about having so many of the Federation's leading minds engaged in serious research aboard their own ship for two whole weeks, and this was the final of several staff meetings held in the past few days to ensure the ship was prepared.

"So, in a nutshell Spock, your boys and girls are drooling over our guests, but they'll be ready on time."

"I have observed no sign of salivation, Captain however-"

Kirk waved him off chuckling and turned to ask for a status report from Scotty, but Uhura's mind stayed with the first officer for several moments. It had been more than five months since they'd mutually decided their relationship was not going to last and was impairing the sense of duty Spock felt toward his endangered race, something he was already feeling uneasy about since deciding to serve on the _Enterprise_. She'd mourned their relationship seriously, but they had remained good friends and close confidantes, and she knew Spock was as close to excited as Vulcans ever allowed themselves to get.

"Well if that's all, I'd say we're ready for the incoming geek hordes. Sorry, Sorry," Kirk held up his hand in peace chuckling at the enraged looks he was getting from Scotty and Marcus as well as the evil eyebrow of doom from Spock. "So for now let's just all get ready for the big arrival in-", he glanced meaningfully at Spock.

"7 hours and 44 minutes, Captain." Spock filled in barely missing a beat.

Kirk nodded. "Right, what he said." And Kirk began rising up out of his chair. Uhura figured this was the perfect time for her one extra piece of business.

"Captain, one last thing."

Kirk paused next to his chair, the others turning to look at her without having gotten up yet. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

"I was going over the guest list yesterday, and I spotted something I thought you might be interested in."

Their galactic hero of a starship captain rubbed his hands together like a five year old. "Ooh, I love surprises, what is it?"

Rolling her eyes at his antics, Uhura took the PADD with the highlighted entries and slid it down the table to the Captain. Kirk picked it up off the table and read the names Uhura had marked out for him.

The next thing that came was a sight that had filled the nightmares of much of the crew for months. Kirk's face drained of every bit of color it had, appearing for all the world as though it was going for a redo at the whole corpse thing. Kirk staggered backward, his legs hitting the arm of his chair and tripping him. He would've landed hard on his butt were it not for Spock's quick reflexes.

"Captain!"

"Jim!"

The various cries from the assembled crew and McCoy's frantic charge to Kirk's side were stopped cold by the hand he held up as he picked himself up out of Spock's arms.

"No, no. Nothing to worry about. Just- I just- I need a little time alone. Excuse me." Nobody in the room had never seen Kirk quite as discombobulated as when he turned away from his concerned officers and wobbled toward the door.

"Jim-"

"Bones!" The entire crew started at that. Even when he was clearly annoying the Captain to death Kirk had never reacted that sharply to the doctor. "I just really need some time to myself right now. Mr. Spock you have the conn." He turned and strode a little more steadily out the door.

6 pairs of concerned eyes turned to look at Uhura, who stood there in shock like the rest of them, unable to do anything more than shrug helplessly. She'd meant it to surprise him, for the life of her she hadn't anticipated anything like this.

After all, why would anybody have such a strong reaction to learning their mother and her longtime husband were coming aboard?

**Please read and review. I have a lot of ideas about this story, but I'd love to hear suggestions.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the incredible response to the first chapter! I was originally going to complete the next chapter for my other story before this one, but your responses changed my mind. Please comment, please send ideas, and above all, PLEASE ENJOY!**

The first of the senior officers to snap out of their dazed reaction was McCoy, who turned and grabbed the PADD off the table, glancing at it to see just what had so upset his normally unflappable friend. When his eyes fell on the highlighted names the doctor let loose a volley of curses that had half the officers blushing.

"Doctor McCoy, may I take your judicious use of non-regulation language to indicate that you understand the unfavorable effect Lieutenant Uhura's data had on Captain Kirk?" questioned Spock.

"You bet your green-blooded-", McCoy cut himself off with a sigh followed by a deep breath. "I'm sorry Spock, I didn't mean to go off on you. I know that's your way of saying you're worried about Jim, I just- I can't believe that he's going to have to deal with this."

"Deal with what, Doctor?" came the question from Scotty.

McCoy looked torn. "I- I can't say. It's not my place, this is Jim's story to tell-"

"Doctor, the Captain's reaction as well as your own suggests that some aspect of this mission will place Captain Kirk under a great deal more stress than was initially anticipated. As his senior officers, it is our duty to take all necessary steps to alleviate that stress, particularly on a mission of this duration. Something we cannot be expected to do if we are unaware of the situation."

"Look, Spock, I know you're worried about Jim and want to help him, but I can't just violate his privacy like that. It's not-", whatever else McCoy was planning on saying was interrupted by a ping from his personal PADD. Looking down, the doctor's eyes widened for the second consecutive time looking at one of the data devices. On his was message from the object of their concern.

"**Bones, on the off chance you didn't grab the PADD off the table already I'm sure Uhura has told you what was on it. I know the others are probably curious. If this were any other situation I'd say a little extra curiosity never hurt anyone, but they're coming ABOARD, Bones. Aboard the **_**Enterprise**_**. For TWO FREAKING WEEKS. As much as I wish more than anything I could keep this private, they need to know. The only thing I ask is that you tell them. I need some time to take this in right now and I don't want to see those looks of pity. I don't. I CAN'T, not now, not on this whole trip. Beg them if you have to, but please, keep those looks away from me. You decide what to tell them, I trust you."**

McCoy gulped as he read the contents of the message. He knew just how much trust his friend was putting in him with this request. He finally looked up at the officers waiting somewhat less than patiently. "Jim says it's ok, so I'm going to tell you a few things, but you listen carefully! Nothing, NOT ONE THING that I say leaves this room, or I'll hypo you all so badly you'll never get out of bed ever again."

"Doctor, no one here is likely to reveal this information, and to keep a patient living but never getting out of bed would require-"

"Shut up and sit down you green blooded memory bank! All of you!" Having been chosen as senior officers for the Federation flagship, everyone in the room was far too intelligent to argue with the look on the doctor's face.

McCoy rubbed both open palms up and down his face as the rest of the room retook their seats. "Look, the first thing you need to understand is that I don't know much, and what I do know is only out of a combination of being Jim's roommate, being too stubborn to take some of his runarounds and denials, and a healthy dose of reading between the lines.

You all know about Jim's birth. The sacrifice his father made. Well, Winona Kirk, the woman who gave birth to Jim, because I won't call that woman a mother for the life of me, never recovered from it. She did a lot of drinking. A lot of throwing herself into work. I know for a fact that she was very rarely around, having gone off on other missions for Starfleet most of the time, but that's not the worst of it.

You see, James Kirk is not only the son of George Kirk, he's also the man's spitting image. Whenever she looked at him, she could only see the ghost of the man she'd lost, so after a short while, _she just stopped looking._ Jim learned very early on that he and his mother don't make direct eye contact.

But after a while, Winona ran into some trouble. As she was going into space all the time, she kept having to make arrangements for Jim and his brother Sam to be looked after. This became harder and harder. Then, on Jim's tenth birthday, Winona went into a bar in Iowa to get plastered. She had gotten sober to go back into space, but there were times when she still went back the alcohol, and seeing as Jim's birthday was also the anniversary of her husband's death, this was one of the most common times. While she was there she met a contractor by the name of Frank Garson. One thing led to another and by the next week they were married, which meant the week after when she took off back into space she left her kids with them. Only Frank wasn't exactly a good fatherly type. I don't know exactly what happened, and unless Jim was feeling the need to open up I don't want to. All I do know is that he treated them like his personal work staff, and was verbally and physically abusive." At this point Uhura gave a small gasp, not one of horror like the others had been and were making throughout the story, rather the sound of someone who'd just come to a particularly unpleasant conclusion. However McCoy either didn't notice or didn't care, and the rest of the crew was too horribly engrossed in the tale to consider what it was she seemed to have realized.

"Eventually Sam, who had been taking care of Jim as much as he could for pretty much all of Jim's life, couldn't take it anymore, so he ran away when Jim was twelve, leaving him there alone. I think it was either at that point or soon after that he started getting into trouble, a habit which just got worse and worse as time went on. Don't ask me about his teenage years, I have no idea. Except for the occasional prank story, my knowledge skips to when Admiral Pike found him in a bar in Iowa and got him to join Starfleet on a dare. If Pike hadn't taken the time to talk to Jim, hadn't seen his potential, hadn't figured out the only way to enlist, I don't know where he'd be today. Pretty sure I don't want to know either."

McCoy trailed off, his eyes staring unseeing, as he tried to block out fantasies he really didn't want to have. The rest of the crew was not in great shape either. Carol and Uhura were both crying silently. Chekov and Sulu were both clearly struggling to keep the tears in their eyes from falling. Scotty seemed to have been able to keep his own tears at bay, but the raw emotion was still visible on the engineer's face. Spock sat in silent contemplation, his features frozen to anyone who didn't know him extremely well, although had either Uhura or McCoy been looking at him they probably would have noticed the subtle signs of his own struggle to hold down his emotions, until at last he broke the silence.

"Doctor, what you have told us is indeed… disturbing, but may I ask exactly what bearing this has on our current mission?"

McCoy turned to him, his features alight with a malice that he knew, in the small part of his brain that cared at the moment, that Spock would realize wasn't directed at him.

"Because you pointy-eared hobgoblin, Winona Kirk and her dear, sweet husband husband are coming aboard this ship!"

The cries of outrage were nearly simultaneous, barely restrained by Spock's command.

"How can that be possible? If, as you say, Frank Garson was physically and emotionally abusive, should he not still be in a detention facility?"

McCoy snorted in disdain. "Yeah, he probably would be if anyone had ever been willing to believe it happened in the first place. But the one time Sam tried telling someone apparently ended very badly, and neither of them saw fit to try again." The entire room was silent as they all tried to force away images of just what ending very badly must have meant.

"We can't let this happen," Sulu broke in. "We can't let those two- (he visibly struggled with finding an appropriate adjective and just gave up) come aboard! The Captain doesn't need to have that on his own ship for two weeks!"

"Unfortunately there is little we can do Mr. Sulu. The guest list has already been approved at multiple levels. To change it at this time would require a significant explanation, something I strongly suspect based on my own personal knowledge of him as well as the lack of legal action against Mr. Garson, which the Captain does not want."

The rest of the table paled at Spock's rebuff and the realization that he was absolutely right. Jim Kirk would never want to bring this out into the open, which meant there was nothing they could do. Their beloved Captain was in for an emotional roller coaster none of them could imagine and they were helpless to stop it.

"So vhat do ve do?" interjected Chekov.

"All we can do is try and be there for him, to keep him as well as the other two distracted and not stand for them throwing anything at Jim" came Carol's reluctant response.

"We will have to be careful however. The fact that they are on the guest list for the conference suggests they are quite well connected politically. Our responses will have to be handled with the utmost care, otherwise in the long term we will simply create more problems for both the Captain and ourselves" cut in Spock.

"Above all though, **do not pity him!** That is the one thing you could do that will make this situation already harder than it is. He even asked me to beg you not to pity him when he gave me permission to tell you."

The officers nodded solemnly at McCoy's exclamation. When it became clear nobody had anything else to say, Spock dismissed the meeting and the crew walked out, wondering how the boy McCoy had told them had been so badly wronged could have grown up to be the Captain they loved so much.

**Don't worry, this isn't the last you'll be hearing about Jim's past. It's just most of what Bones knows.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the delay, I've been working on my outlines for the whole story, and it's slowed down my writing.**

Spock sat in the Captain's chair in quiet contemplation as the _Enterprise_ dropped out of warp near Starbase 2, where the delegation for the upcoming mission awaited their arrival. He had held the conn since the end of the staff briefing six hours and forty one minutes ago, and for the duration of that time all of his attention not required by shipboard tasks had been taken up contemplating the revelations brought up by Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura, as well as the potential problems they posed to the upcoming mission. As it was, this mission was not expected to be easy, as there were many scientists with many opposing viewpoints coming aboard actively anticipating arguing with each other. Keeping the peace would've been difficult enough without such a personal problem preoccupying the Captain. Yet despite the difficulties, relatively little of Spock's thoughts focused on anticipating these difficulties, the majority taken up by the Captain himself. No, not the captain. Jim.

When the two first met, Spock had thought Jim to be insubordinate, childish, and altogether incapable of following the rules. Someone who would require a great deal of seasoning if he were to become a productive Starfleet officer. Jim had also had an overall negative opinion of him, for reasons which Spock still wasn't entirely sure of, but he believed it had something to do with his ill-advised comments regarding Jim's father at the hearing regarding the _Kobayashi Maru_ scenario. Even after their encounter with Nero and with his alternate future self had opened them to the idea of becoming friends, it had still taken time for the initial ice to thaw.

Months of time and many missions together had led the two of them to start seeing approachable qualities in each other, and by the time of their survey mission to Nibiru, Jim at least had recognized the close friendship that had been developing between them. The confrontation with Admiral Marcus and Khan, however, had cemented their friendship. Seeing each other at their worst, the two had supported each other through the ordeal, providing the backup needed to keep either one of them from becoming bogged down in the problems they were having. Before they had been friends. Now they were partners, _brothers_.

The concept was a rather novel one for Spock. As a child growing up on Vulcan, he'd been ostracized from those around him for the apparently unforgivable crime of having been born to a human mother. He'd had no close friends. He'd been bullied and picked on by the other children, leading to a life of loneliness and self-sufficiency. He never could've imagined that Jim Kirk, his first true friend, had had a similar upbringing, only with even less than he'd had. When Spock was having difficulties emotionally, his last and only fall back had been his mother. For Kirk to have not had that, more so, for his own mother being a source of his emotional difficulty… Spock couldn't understand how Jim had grown into the man he was in such an environment. He wondered if his Captain and friend would ever cease to surprise him. Somehow, he doubted it.

Spock was lifted from his musings by Lieutenant Sulu's announcement that they were approaching the planet on which Starbase 2 was situated. He opened his mouth to give a reply when he was cut off by the voice of another figure entering the bridge from the doors to his right.

James Kirk had been well and truly stunned by the revelation brought to him by his communications officer. He'd been looking over the guest list every chance he'd had since they'd received it, but given all the preparations he'd had to oversee, he still wasn't even halfway through. When Uhura had unknowingly dropped that bombshell, that his mother and Frank- _Frank!_- of all people were coming aboard the _Enterprise_, he'd needed some time to process it.

After he'd staggered out of the briefing room and headed for his quarters, still yet to actually force the reality of the situation to penetrate, he'd spared a thought to the men and women he'd left in the room staring at him. He knew that as soon as Bones would look at the PADD or ask Uhura, something he was sure to do rather quickly considering the way Jim had left, Bones would know what was going on. He knew Bones would deflect the others and then come looking for him, but he couldn't let that happen. He needed the time to process on his own, as much as he knew McCoy meant well. And as for the rest of the senior staff… those people were his friends. His **family**. He had never wanted them to find out about his secrets from his childhood, but at this point, there wasn't a whole lot that he could do. He knew there were going to be some major hiccups on this trip because of this, and they were going to have to have his back. They needed to know what to expect. Better tell them now then wait for the certainty of having to tell them later when it was already too late for them to help him keep from making a colossal mess. (And if the requirement of Bones telling them put off the time Kirk would have to keep him away, well, at least he could get **something** out of it.) So he'd entered his quarters, gone straight to his personal PADD on his desk, and sent Bones a message asking him to fill them in on the little that he knew. With that he sighed and flopped down on his bed. He thought about going to one of the Observation Decks for the calming sight of the stars but at this point they were all being prepared for the incoming delegates, so this was the only place Jim could seek refuge.

Jim had wanted so very much to get absolutely, irrevocably plastered during those next few hours, but with the delegates' imminent arrival, he knew he could not afford to. He would not embarrass his ship, his crew, or himself by showing up to greet such a range of brilliant and important minds drunk. So instead he spent that time trying to figure out how he was going to deal with having the two of them on board his ship.

_His ship_. Jim sighed to himself. That was the problem, really. If he had run into either his mother, Frank, or both on Earth or some random Starbase, he wouldn't have been jumping for joy but it still wouldn't be bothering him quite this much. But he'd spent years trying to find the sense of home with the two of them. Now the first (or the second, but the **last** thing he needed right now was to go there…) place where he'd found a real home, a family, was being invaded by the two who'd denied it to him in the first place. While he didn't believe anything on the _Enterprise_ would change due to this visit, he still couldn't help but feel violated.

Bones rang the door to his room about an hour after Kirk left the briefing, but a swift explanation through the COMM had actually been enough to get him to give some space. Kirk chuckled lightly to himself. That was one of the best things about Bones. When you needed to talk but didn't want to he'd beat your brain into the floor until you let up, but if you genuinely needed space he'd back off and wait for later. A later Kirk was under no delusion wouldn't be coming, but now was really the time he needed to himself.

At first he started going over some memories, the birthdays (or lack therof), the disappointment, the shouting, the hitting, but after fifteen minutes this proved just too painful. It wasn't going to help him cope with their presence and it wasn't going to show him a way to deal with them on a day-to-day basis, so he shoved the bitter memories aside and analyzed their general behavior tactically, the way he'd think about an angry Klingon with his disruptors trained on the _Enterprise_.

Frank was a loudmouth and a drunkard with an obnoxious tongue and a violent temper. Jim had never been able to please him no matter what and had been hard-pressed to figure out any way to keep him from getting angrier. Responding to a tongue-lashing was likely to just make any potential situation worse, so Jim decided to simply do his best to ignore the man if he decided to run his mouth off. In the past that was just as likely to get Jim a bruise as anything else, but here on the _Enterprise_ that was one thing Jim didn't have to worry about, and it was also the best thing he could potentially do for the images of himself and his crew (and if it was bound to insult Frank more than anything else Jim could do, well, there are just some sacrifices Captains have to make…)

His mother was a bit harder to define. Winona had never hurt Jim physically, but her absence had been with Jim all his life. She had never been able to look Jim in the eye, only seeing her dead husband if she did. The attention and love that every child wants were just too much for her to give to the person who'd kept her from dying with her husband. Nothing Jim did could ever measure up to what she felt he should be, so he was constantly an insult to his father's memory. The only thing Jim could see to do was to ignore her as much as possible and focus on the pride he felt in the _Enterprise _and her crew no matter what she said.

After hours of painful thoughts broken up by repeated futile attempts to distract himself, the computer alerted Jim that _Enterprise_ was almost at Starbase 2, so he dragged himself away from losing to the computer at chess for the first time, took a shower, and got into his gray dress uniform before leaving his cabin. As he still had a couple of minutes to go Jim took a somewhat longer, more leisurely route to the bridge, just taking in the peace and belonging of being on his ship, with his crew.

He arrived at the bridge just in time to hear Sulu's announcement that they were coming up on Starbase 2. As he passed through the starboard-side doorway leading out into a corridor, Jim called out an order both for the necessity of it being given and to announce his presence. "Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu."

Sulu turned his way and regarded him for a split second with an unfathomable expression. "Aye aye, Captain," Sulu responded as he turned back to his helm. Spock, who'd apparently found a moment despite having the conn to change into his own dress uniform, promptly vacated the command chair and acknowledged him with a solemn nod and a "Captain." Jim nodded back and came to stand next to him between the Captain's chair and the navigation station.

"Status report, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked.

"All systems operational, Captain, all departments report they have or are about to complete their preparations for the arrival of our guests. "

"Fantastic. Lt. Uhura," Kirk turned to the communications officer to see her in her own dress uniform just as the also dress-clad Bones and Scotty emerged from the port-side turbolift, "what's the word from the starbase regarding the delegation?"

Kirk could make out in those exotic eyes the tremendous struggle Uhura was going through not to let her own emotions show, and he felt a surge of gratitude to her for shielding him from the pitying look he knew was in there just below the surface. "Starbase reports the shuttles carrying the delegation have taken off and are en route to meet us, sir."

Kirk was momentarily surprised that they'd gotten off the ground so fast, but the moment passed as he caught the fleeting nod between Uhura and Spock. They knew Kirk would rather get this over with than wait around in orbit for an hour, so they must have made sure to grease things along on long-range. Kirk felt a rush of gratitude for the presence of both of his friends. "Thank you, Lieutenant," he responded with a nod both to her and to Spock to let them know that he'd noticed and appreciated it.

Jim took a quick moment to glance around the bridge. He could see the loyalty from everyone there, the support from the ones in the briefing who knew what was going on; Bones and Scotty waiting by the turbolift, Sulu and Chekov in front of him at their stations, Carol from the secondary science/operations station opposite Spock's, Uhura at Communications, Spock himself standing at his side. Even if he'd felt inclined to speak of it, Jim had no words to describe what this meant to him.

Quickly shoving down the lump in his throat Jim started giving orders. "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn. Initiate docking procedures, try to make sure nobody crashes into each other. Spock, Bones, Scotty, Uhura, I believe we have some geeks to greet." With that, Jim and his officers headed for the turbolift.

As they all piled in and instructed the lift to take them to the shuttlebay, Scotty started a conversation about a new bioengineering implant being developed by one of the Siakan scientists. While anyone else would've simply seen this as Scotty trying to include McCoy in his natural exuberance at all things technical, Kirk could see in his body language as well as the others that they were trying to give him one last moment of peace. He was quite appreciative, since his nerves were wound up so tight that Jim could just see the scowl on McCoy's face had the doctor had his tricorder on Jim at that particular moment.

As the others traded technobabble and Jim worked to keep himself calm, he felt the brush of a hand against his. Uhura's hand, judging by the position. You'd never know it for looking at her though, as her head only indicated her trying to keep up with the discussion as best she could. For the life of him Jim couldn't understand why this meant so much to him or felt so supportive so he decided to just be grateful for the comfort.

When the lift stopped at Deck 20, the officers got off and headed for the doors to the shuttlebay. Since the delegates needed several shuttles to come up it was decided that they'd meet them just outside the room so as to greet them all at once. When they got there, they met Security Chief Hendorff and the seven other men making up the honor guard for the delegation. As the minutes passed, Jim focused on the presence of Bones on one side and Spock on the other, while the guards got into position. Finally the bay was pressurized and the doors opened giving Kirk a view of a large, mixed group coming toward them, passing through the doors and along the path toward Kirk lined by the honor guard. Jim didn't see Frank or Winona, but considering the crowd before him all that told him was that they weren't at the very front. Jim took a deep breath and stepped forward.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as well as any other genders represented, it is my distinct honor to welcome all of you aboard the Federation starship, _U.S.S._ _Enterprise_. I am Captain James T. Kirk."

Jim heard a small bit of snickering coming from one corner of the crowd at this but ignored it relatively easily. He was rather touched by the tensing of several of the security guards though.

"I hope you've had an easy journey. I know that between the trip and the late hour on the Starbase you must be rather fatigued, and some of you have a few things to take care of before anything else. Given that it is also late evening by ship's clock we've decided to forgo the formal reception for tomorrow morning so you can all get some rest. My first officer, Commander Spock, has room assignments and guides for all of you. I know that many of you brought special equipment. To see to its storage please speak to Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott, my chief engineer. Any of you with special medical requirements should talk to Dr. Leonard McCoy, ship's CMO. For those whose languages are either too sophisticated for or beyond the perception of the standard universal translator badges, please see communication's officer Lieutenant Uhura to tie into the ship's library translation matrix." Jim indicated each of his officers as he introduced them.

"Any initial questions regarding ship's protocols should go to either Commander Spock or Lieutenant Uhura. If you have any questions or problems later on my crew will be at your disposal to answer or forward you to those better able to. I'm going to wish you all a good night, and once again, welcome aboard." His speech done, Kirk waited for a moment or two to see if anyone wouldn't listen to his instructions and try to get his attention, but thankfully the delegates simply decided to mob his officers instead. Kirk decided to get out while he still hadn't had to meet any particular guests and turned around to stride back down the corridor to relieve Sulu and get the ship moving. The sooner _Enterprise_ got under way the sooner he could have his ship out from under these specters from his past.

**Please Review! Also, feel free to leave or PM me with any ideas or things you'd like to see in the story, and I'll see if I can work it in.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I think this might be the longest chapter I've ever written. Please read and review, it means so much to me. I'd love to hear your ideas if you have any you'd like to see.**

**Disclaimer: **Much as I might've dreamed it all my life, I don't own Star Trek.

Jim sat in the desk chair in his cabin, his head leaned back so his eyes, had they been open would have been burning a hole in the ceiling. He honestly wondered just how he was going to be able to handle this. So far he hadn't even run into either his mother or step-father in person and he was already having trouble (although he wasn't fooling himself into thinking he didn't know where the snickering as he announced his rank and title originated). He had just come back from the bridge after coordinating the ship's departure, and his nerves were fraying from the terrible combination of fatigue and nervous energy plaguing him. He wasn't quite sure what to do with the concern from his crewmembers, and he was not too keen about having to deal with that on top of everything else for the next two weeks. The only thing he wanted right now was some sleep, to blot out the world and all of the problems this day had brought if only for a few hours. In the classic pattern of his life and this day in particular, his door chose this aggravating moment to chime, announcing a visitor.

Forcing himself to change his instant response of 'go away' to a simple audible sigh, Kirk picked his head up, rubbed his eyes and called out "Come".

The door opened to the imposing sight of the ship's chief medical officer.

"Bones, is there any way this can wait? I'm kind of tired and talking is really the last thing I want to do right now." Kirk knew the statement would accomplish very little, since Bones knew him better than just about anyone and wouldn't have come if the matter was something he would allow to be pushed off. Sure enough, the doctor marched right into the cabin letting the doors slide shut behind him.

"Who said anything about talking? You really think I have nothing better to do with my time than to listen to your genius, kiddy kid comedy routine? I've spent the last hour listening to a bunch of scientists harangue me about everything from arthritis to their body going through a period which includes the symptom of purple pus spontaneously shooting out of a pore I've never seen before and whose purpose I couldn't even begin to guess at. I've just gotten back to my quarters where I had this little devil trying to seduce me. Since I knew I might not be able to make myself stop once I got started, I figured if someone else helped me I'd be less likely to be regretting it in the morning."

Jim's hope lifted its head up from its slump on the floor and sniffed the air as Bones pulled a bottle from behind his back. "Is that Saurian brandy?"

"You think I'd be here wasting your time if it wasn't?"

Jim couldn't quite explain the lump in his throat that rose up at the doctor's intentions. He knew from experience that Bones would want him to talk, to deal with what he was feeling right now, but Jim wasn't really ready to deal with that just then, and Bones knew that. He also knew Jim would need some kind of comfort right about now, and he picked out the perfect prescription. Kirk had never really had anyone in his life who cared to know him well enough to figure out what he needed and when he needed it, and he couldn't describe just what it meant to him.

The two men sat in the comfortable, companionable silence which only those with a rich friendship can find. The only sounds in the semi-lit room for the next half hour were the clinking of glasses and the sipping of drinks. After those thirty minutes the bottle was three-quarters empty and the two men had yet to speak since McCoy had plopped himself down on the chair in front of the desk. Finally the silence was broken quickly with one quick sentence.

"How are you holding up, Jim?"

Had Bones asked this question when he first came in or in a different tone of voice Kirk would've clammed up tight. But he had come with the bottle, he'd sat and drank with him and he hadn't said a word. He'd asked his question in a voice as far from his normal drawling baritone as possible, barely above a whisper. Kirk knew that if he decided he didn't want to talk about it McCoy would table the issue and that would be the end of it. It was not an interrogation, it was an opening. If Jim wanted to talk, McCoy was giving him a way to start, knowing Jim Kirk would never do so himself. Having been given that courtesy and understanding Jim decided he did want to talk, at least a tiny bit.

"I'm not really sure. It's difficult enough just knowing they're here, I don't know what will happen when I run into them."

McCoy carefully considered what he'd heard from his friend before coming up with his reply, knowing this particular discussion was one he had to keep short and sweet. The longer one could wait.

"Makes sense, but that's not what's bothering you most right now, is it?"

He was rewarded with the tiniest, barest hint of a smirk.

"Been taking classes from Spock, have you?"

McCoy snorted. "I don't need any green-blooded mind-reading mumbo-jumbo to hear your classic avoidance technique of making a relevant comment so nobody will suspect the one you should have said."

Kirk shook his ruefully. "I should've known better than to try to pull one over on you."

"Yes, you should've, but if you did you wouldn't be the little runt you are, now what is it that's got you wound up worse than Scotty dealing with starbase engineers right now?"

Kirk took a long sip of his brandy to stall for a little time before answering. "They know."

McCoy nodded his head, now knowing what was going through his best friends mind.

"All of the senior staff, Bones. The closest any people have ever been to me. They all know. I could feel the changes in the way they look at me. I never wanted them to find out."

McCoy tensed slightly. "Jim, if you'd said the word I would've never-. " Jim just waved him off.

"I know Bones, I told you to tell them. Thanks for that by the way, I don't think I could've faced it. They needed to know, there's no way we could last the next two weeks without them knowing. But…"

"You never wanted them to have to know" McCoy finished a long moment after Jim trailed off.

Jim nodded. "What now Bones? Everything's going to be different now. I'm not their invincible Captain anymore. They know how weak I am now-"

"Stop it, Jim!" McCoy snapped, interrupting Kirk's tirade. "You are not weak, you never were, and if you don't get that through that thick skull of yours I'm going to log you in for daily physicals! And as for the rest of the guys, those people love you, they'd never see you as weak. You're still their invincibly idiotic Captain, the one who would do anything for them and who they'd follow to the ends of creation." McCoy stood and picked up the now empty bottle of brandy before placing a light hand on Kirk's shoulder. "You're right, things will be different now. For people who really care about each other, helping one through pain brings them closer, not farther. And you know that better than anyone." McCoy strode over to the door which swished open in front of him and paused, turning to meet the startled eyes following him on his way.

"Get some sleep, **Captain**."

After the doors slid shut, Kirk sat there staring for another few moments, feeling a not quite childish relief at a not quite childish thought. He was still the Captain. He still had his crew. After letting that sink in, Kirk stood up and headed for his bedroom. He needed some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a tough day, and the first thing you learn in command school is that tough days are always prejudiced against the Captain.

* * *

Kirk walked through engineering, a crowd on his heels. The reception earlier that morning in the mess hall had been one of the shortest Kirk had ever seen; unlike diplomats this crowd didn't get their kicks out of an incessant need to do nothing but talk until they physically couldn't anymore. With things winding down so much quicker than expected, Kirk had decided to take the opportunity to make the unspoken but still mandatory offer of the captain's tour of the ship. A large group had decided to follow him, and Kirk had been showing them around for nearly an hour. Admittedly, this was definitely one of the less onerous tasks of reception duty- talking about his ship wasn't something that really burdened Jim, and these guests had many more intelligent questions and comments than the usual, as well as being both more interested and more permitted to view the ship's technical areas.

"And on our left we have the backup plasma injector assembly. Crewman Dearborn here" Kirk nodded to the wiry man in the redshirt, "is just finishing up realigning the injectors." Kirk wanted very much to commend the young man's work, which he could tell deserved it, but in front of the guests he was afraid it would come off as patronizing. Kirk had always been in the habit of making deserved comments about the quality of his crews' work, but this case was even more important to him than normal. Dearborn had been sent to the _Enterprise_ on her initial recommissioning following the battle with the _Vengeance_, and he'd been the victim of a tyrant of a supervisor on his previous assignment. The harsh and unwarranted critique had destroyed the man's confidence in his work, so Kirk and Scott had made a particular point to make sure Dearborn knew they were more than satisfied with his performance whenever they ran across him.

As Kirk turned away to lead them toward the dilithium assembly, a monotonous voice stopped him cold.

"Are you planning on letting him know one of the ones he's supposedly done with is misaligned, or shall we just wait until it blows us all to pieces?"

Kirk had heard that voice, as well as the disappointment in it, too many times to have made any mistake as to who it was. As he slowly turned to look back into the crowd, he easily spotted the blond and gray haired woman in a blue Starfleet uniform who had all the heads in the crowd turned towards her. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Dearborn flinch brutally at the comment, and he began to seethe. It wasn't enough that she had to come and make him wary and uncomfortable on his own ship, but to assault his crew? Especially in a way that hit one of them close to home? That was going over the line, but to lose it here would cause any number of problems.

Making a herculean effort to keep his voice steady and his volume at an appropriate level, Jim addressed his mother for the first time in over 7 years.

"Our chief engineer has developed a habit with his staff of running the assembly as he finishes each individual injector to see which ones might get knocked out of alignment faster, and then going back over them quickly afterwards looking for ones that may have misaligned . It makes the procedure take slightly longer, but it helps him keep ahead of maintenance needs." Somewhat optimistically thinking the discussion closed, Jim tried to turn back around and lead them away again, but his mother apparently couldn't leave well enough alone.

"That's a foolish and wasteful procedure, it causes more wear and tear on the injectors by running them with the assembly open and not actually being used."

Unable to resist his growing anger enough to hold back the snark, Kirk bit off, "I'll be sure to file a reprimand for making our injectors give out thirty seconds sooner than they would have otherwise."

"It might be more prudent to just make your chief engineer follow the rules instead."

His eyes narrowed down to slits. "I beg your pardon."

Winona gave a small sneer. "You are aware that there is a regulation procedure for a reason? If your chief is unwilling to follow those rules I'm sure you could get an Admiral to give him a dressing down."

That was the last straw. Kirk's temper blew sky high. He knew a few ways to hit her where it hurt and he was sooo going to use them. "_Commander_ **Garson**, you are so far beyond out of line I should throw you in the brig for insubordination!" Oops, there it was. Her eyes narrowed as she took offense. Jim knew she wouldn't be happy with him emphasizing the fact that he had a rank higher than hers. And the name had always been his secret weapon when the two of them had major fights. When she and Frank had married, Winona had refused to change her name and didn't like anyone referring to her as anything other than Winona Kirk.

"With all due respect, **sir**, I'm merely pointing out that your chief engineer is blatantly violating the regulations, something it is your job to enforce."

"It's not a violation of the regs to not use the official procedure. Nothing he is doing is violating the safety regulations, and before it gets to that point, I'm more than happy to leave it up to my chief's discretion."

"So you're teaching your crew your philosophy that rules are for others?"

Kirk thanked his lucky stars that the comm chose this moment to let out its incessant beep, as he was sure whatever would've come out of his mouth next would have breached the fine line of civility they'd still been at least toeing, despite the rise in volume.

"Captain Kirk, to the bridge please."

Jim had never been so happy to hear the even tone of his first officer, sounding even more disproportionately calm than normal on the cusp of the argument he'd interrupted. Punching the comm on the wall a little harder than strictly necessary, Kirk bit out a swift "on my way" and turned to Scotty, who'd been drawn by the raised voices. "Mr. Scott, if you'd be so kind as to finish up the tour of your department. And," Jim couldn't resist the fury coursing through his veins enough to hold back one final dig. "Try to keep an eye out for any walls that might not be painted quite according to regulation."

Barely staying long enough to catch Scotty's quiet acknowledgement, Jim turned on his heel and headed out of engineering. Whatever Spock wanted it had to be better than what he'd been dealing with down here.

* * *

Jim strode out of the turbolift toward Spock's science station, where he found the Vulcan peering over his readouts along with Carol Marcus.

"Spock?"

Both officers turned to regard him as he approached.

"Captain" began Spock. "We have found something most curious."

Carol took over at that point. "For the past hour, we've been getting some intermittent motion readings on the extreme range of our sensors."

Kirk frowned. This didn't sound good. "Could it be an instrument malfunction?"

Carol shook her head. "No, I ran two full diagnostics. All of the equipment is functioning perfectly."

Kirk turned to Spock. "What about a natural phenomenon distorting our readings?"

"There are no known stellar phenomena in the area which would account for these readings."

"What about an unknown phenomenon?"

Spock raised one pointed eyebrow. "Always a possibility, Captain, however this region of space is quite well traveled. The statistical likelihood that such an object has gone unnoticed up to now is approximately 247.54 to 1."

Kirk pursed his lips. "A ship then?"

Spock inclined his head to the side. "Possibly, however the anomalies have appeared too far apart to reasonably account for only one vessel keeping up with the _Enterprise_. And if it is a vessel, or vessels, I am at a loss to explain the inconsistent and non-substantive nature of our sensor contact."

Kirk ran his hands over his face. He should've known better than to jinx Spock's call. He wondered of this mission was ever going to stop sucker-punching him.

Kirk turned to Uhura. "Lieutenant, I want all hands on a silent yellow alert. Keep it discreet. I don't want the delegates getting wind of this."

"Aye, sir."

"Mr. Chekov, maintain a constant sweep around the ship for any sign of another contact. The moment you get a positive reading of another vessel, you get those shields up."

"Aye, Keptin."

"Spock, Carol, keep working on those sensor readings, but don't direct any active sensor beams at those blips if you can help it. If we are being shadowed, I don't want them to know we're aware of them."

Spock and Marcus both acknowledged the order and turned to their instruments.

Kirk sighed and turned to the yeoman on duty to ask for a cup of coffee. This was turning out to be a long day.

* * *

Uhura walked the corridor in silence. She'd just come from the mess hall, where ship's scuttlebutt was dealing with the Captain's knockdown drag out with whom Uhura knew to be his mother. She wasn't quite sure why she was now looking for Kirk. She didn't really know how she could help him. All she knew was that from the sound of things, they'd had a rough fight. And then having more stress added right afterwards with three hours of chasing ghosts in the dark that might be stalking them, Uhura just figured he could probably use a friend right about now. He hadn't been in his quarters, which meant there was only one other place he was likely to be dealing with a long, draining day.

Nyota strode onto the darkened forward observation deck quietly but not disguising her footsteps, trying to approach the silent pensive figure of her captain without sneaking up.

"Something I can help you with Lieutenant?"

Uhura had had too much experience with this to be startled, but she still couldn't figure out how he did it. Her reflection wouldn't be visible in the window yet from his position, so she hadn't a clue how Kirk had known it was her. But he had known. He always knew.

"I was actually going to ask you the same question."

Kirk's reflection in the window took on a small humorless smirk. "I take it you've heard about the little incident in engineering and are now following the example of Bones and half the crew of asking how I am."

Nyota came up beside him on his left and leaned on the railing. "Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to talk about **any** of it."

Kirk turned to look at her with a small inquisitive stare.

"You've got a massive delegation onboard for two weeks, including some- familiar unsavory characters (Kirk snorted at the description) and now the possibility of our being stalked by another ship or two. If I were in your place I think I might want to talk over some of the stress I was under with a friend. Or at least know the option is there."

Kirk regarded her for a moment before closing his eyes and smiling slightly. "Thanks."

Uhura noticed that Jim hadn't answered her about whether or not he wanted to talk, so she simply stood there, looking out at the stars even after Kirk turned back to the window, providing her presence for whatever comfort it might be while allowing him time to make a decision.

"Frank was nothing more than a bully." They'd been standing there for at least ten minutes before Kirk started speaking. "He was just a big bully who happened to live with us. I hated him and hated having to deal with his comments, his friends, his fists…"

Uhura respected the silence as he searched for the words to go on.

"But it was never too personal with him. I knew he thought of me as dirt, but he wasn't someone whose opinion ever mattered to me. But she was my mother." Jim's voice started wobbling. "For the longest time I could never figure out why nothing I did was good enough. And that cut me much deeper than Frank ever managed to. She'd be away on missions most of the time, leaving me with the scum bag. I always had this vision for the longest time that the next time she'd come back what I'd done this time while she'd been away would be enough to impress her, but it never was. And finally, I realized that it would never happen. So I stopped caring. Started getting into trouble left and right. Eventually I stole my dad's old car that Frank had taken for himself and drove it into a chasm (Nyota's eyebrows shot up, eliciting a small chuckle from Jim) and that was the last straw. After that they sent- I started seeing less and less of them, but still getting in so much trouble, until I wound up in that bar."

Nyota sensed that Jim had cut himself off, but respected Jim's privacy in whatever he'd been about to reveal.

"I- I know that I shouldn't let her disappointment matter to me anymore-"

"Who told you that?"

Jim seemed startled by the question.

"Jim, she's your mother. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being upset with the way she's treating you. You deserve better than what she's been giving you all of your life. She's punishing you for things that weren't your fault, and subjecting you to conditions no child deserves to live in." Nyota grabbed Kirk's jaw and turned his head to look at her. "I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how such a good person came out of conditions like that. But never doubt that one did, or that we all are very appreciative of having you in our lives. She's the one missing out, not you."

Jim blushed and turned away, staring back out into the depths of space, admiring, watching- searching. He and Nyota stood there in companionable silence for another hour. Nothing more was said. Nothing more needed to be.

* * *

The next morning under the practiced hand of Hikaru Sulu _Enterprise_ slid smoothly into orbit around its first destination, the planet Tarquan. Tarquan was a long time colony world, one of the first few settled by humanity once they had deemed colonization a feasible endeavor. As such, the colony was rather on the old side, a state which had begun taking its toll. Prior to the destruction of Vulcan Tarquan had been slated to receive quite a number of professional repairs and upgrades from off-world, however with the fall of one of the Federation's founding worlds and most of said world's species, resources had been diverted. Now parts of the colony were falling into various states of disrepair, making it and others in the same boat one of the primary objectives of _Enterprise_'s mission.

Kirk strolled down the corridor toward the transporter room chatting casually with Bones, Scotty, and Carol, the other officers who'd be making up the initial landing party. Jim had managed to get a better night's sleep than he'd have anticipated prior to his discussion with Uhura, something for which he'd expressed his gratitude with a simple look as he had come onto the bridge that morning. Her receiving look had shown she understood, and no more needed to be said. Now, Kirk felt reasonably well supplied with his normal buoyant energy, the thrill of heading down to a planet he'd never been to offsetting much of the stress he'd been under. At least until he got to the transporter room.

The _Enterprise_ officers were heading down to the colony to look into what kind of help the ship itself could offer while they were here, while many of their guests would be going down to evaluate what would be needed and had been overlooked long term. As Kirk walked into the transporter room, it took all of his formidable self-control not to stop short and stare as he took in the delegates ready to beam down.

'_Of course he'd be going down there, you idiot. He's a contractor for a structural engineering firm, that's why he's here in the first place. You're supposed to see a couple of steps ahead, be aware of the big picture. You can't be getting surprised by obvious things like this!_' Kirk berated himself as he took in the older but still familiar figure of his stepfather standing at the head of one group of the impending expedition consisting of a number of men wearing patches from his firm. Ignoring the figure who'd let a slight sneer cross his face as he spotted the Captain, Kirk turned instead to the man sitting at the transporter station behind the protective screen.

"Status Mr. Kyle?"

Kyle turned to regard his captain and gave a crisp report. "Captain, we've received the coordinates for the lobby where Governor Kildawe wants to greet you."

"Fantastic, Mr. Kyle," Kirk replied before turning to address the delegates. "This is how we're going to work this. I will beam down with my landing party first to greet the governor speak about how he wants to arrange the various evaluations-"

"Because no captain would be expected to have a plan of his own on how to deal with that," muttered Frank, earning a tiny guffaw from a couple of his men.

"-and will then send for the groups to beam down according to how he wishes them" Kirk continued as if he hadn't heard.

With a nod to his passengers Kirk, McCoy, Scott, and Carol took to the transporter pads along with security guards Brantley and Michaels. As he stood on the pad Kirk had a brief moment of introspection to reflect on just how much less he was looking forward to this excursion simply from knowing Frank would be along to make mischief.

"Ready Captain," Kyle signaled to him.

With a sigh that would've deafened a telepath but which no one else could even hear, Kirk gave the order.

"Energize."


	5. Chapter 5

The transporter beam released Kirk and his party in colony's main square. Kirk's customary deep first breath of the alien air revealed a musty, rustic aroma that lent the area a feel of being lived and worked in. To Kirk's left was a fountain with a pair of sculpted hawks sitting in the middle back to back, their beaks pointed straight at the brown sky, wings fully extended. Water poured from the back tips of the wings and talons. Surrounding them were silver buildings that had the rusty appearance of having been present for quite a few years. Standing several meters ahead of the _Enterprise _personnel were three men, the middle of whom smiled and moved towards the captain.

"You must be Captain Kirk! I'm Governor Richard Kildawe. Welcome to Tarquan."

Jim accepted the friendly handshake and gave his most winning diplomatic smile.

"Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you. May I introduce my officers, ship's chief medical officer Dr. Leonard McCoy, chief engineer Montgomery Scott, science officer Lieutenant Carol Marcus, security officers Joe Brantley and Walter Michaels." Kildawe nodded to each of them in turn before turning back to the Captain.

"I have to say, Captain, we're quite relieved to see you. Our colony is quite old, our equipment either obsolete or breaking down. We've been holding out well while resources have been needed to aid the Vulcans, but I think I can speak for all of my people when I say we've been looking forward to the arrival of you and the specialists you're carrying ever since we heard about it. The sooner you complete your evaluation the sooner we get the parts we need."

Kirk gave an understanding nod. "Then let's not waste any time. Those in the fields you've specified are awaiting my signal to start beaming down as soon as you tell us where you want them."

"Thank you, Captain. The farming technicians should probably go straight to the fields as it is some distance from here. All the others can just come straight down here. My aids, Walter Rawls and Jack Turner, will direct them where to go from here."

Kirk nodded and pulled out his communicator to relay Kildawe's instructions to the _Enterprise_. After finishing up with Uhura, Kirk turned back to Kildawe. "Governor, I brought my officers down to see what the _Enterprise _herself can do while the specialists are conducting their evaluation. With your permission…?"

Kildawe nodded eagerly. "Thank you so much, Captain. This is even better news for us than the evaluation. Technician Johannesburg and Docter Parmet," Kildawe indicated each one standing at different points around the plaza, "can give them the information they need. As for Lieutenant Marcus…?"

Kirk answered the unspoken question. "Your message specified that one of your problems was that some of your buildings were deteriorating. Lieutenant Marcus is an expert on structural damage so I thought she could take a look to see just what kind of damage there is and how we can help."

"Perfect! The general deterioration is pretty much the same throughout the colony, so this would be as good a place as any for the Lieutenant to start."

With a nod to Kildawe and then to Jim, Carol pulled out her tricorder and started taking readings from the nearest building.

"And in the meantime, Captain, I thought I could give you a tour of the colony. It may not be the fanciest settlement in the universe, but we're quite proud of it."

"If what I've seen so far is any indication Governor, you have every right to be." With that, Kildawe and Kirk set off, the former eager to show off the accomplishments of his people, the latter hoping this would prove to be a nice diversion from the stress of this mission and of one of the other men currently beaming down….

Dr. Carol Marcus moved to yet another building and began taking readings with her tricorder. She'd been at it for more than 90 minutes, and so far she'd seen a number of buildings in the colony that reminded her of nothing so much as one of Scotty's usual jobs in holding the _Enterprise _together with scotch tape and happy thoughts. Calling in their locations up to the ship, she'd had engineers beaming down with the appropriate tools to reinforce and replace aging materials.

She was just coming up to another house along the edge of the settlement when the muffled sounds of arguing reached her ears. She turned for a moment before shrugging it off, figuring it was just some colonists in a personal dispute that wasn't any of her business. But for the next few minutes the sounds grew louder and angrier, and Carol started getting worried. Slipping her tricorder back onto her belt, Carol turned and made her way toward the area where the sounds were emanating from. Coming around the edge of a public school, Carol saw the source of the trouble and was immediately struck by the conflicting feelings of being glad she'd come and wishing she were anywhere else. Two colonists were holding onto a third, who appeared to be straining to get away and lunge at the sneering figure of Frank Garson.

Carol debated for a moment whether or not to call for backup, but she knew that if she did this would fall onto the Captain's plate, and that was the last thing she wanted to do to him. Steeling herself, Marcus strode forward and summoned up her best mollifying tone. "Gentlemen, is there a problem?"

All those present turned to look at her, the angry colonist being the first to answer. "Yes there's a problem! This little weasel seems to think he's better than all of my people who have been working to hold this colony together!"

Frank scoffed. "Not think, **knows** he's better. Honestly, it's a wonder those houses didn't fall down the first second you put them up if you're doing things like this."

"It was a patch job you insufferable little runt! We worked with what we had!" snapped out the colonist as he struggled to get free of the hands restraining him.

Having seen more than enough, Carol decided to step in before things got totally out of hand. "I'm sure Mr. Garson didn't mean to demean your work-."

"Oh yes I did, little lady, these are the biggest bunch of incompetents I've ever seen! And just where do you think you get off talking about what I meant?"

It took every last ounce of Carol's self-control to keep from smacking the arrogant pig. "These men have worked very hard keeping their colony together, I was thinking that you would not diminish their efforts with rude and unprofessional comments."

The glint in Frank's eyes that appeared was quite dangerous; Carol found herself torn between the simultaneous urges to reach for her phaser and run for the nearest shower. "Listen up pretty lady. I won't have you telling me what I can and cannot say. You may think just because your Captain was immature enough to decide he wanted some eye candy on his ship that it gives you some kind of authority. Well let me tell you-"

"No, we won't let you tell us."

Carol had never been so thankful to hear that voice. Frank, however, just smirked.

"Well, lookie here, honey, it's your dear old Captain to the rescue. Tell me, just what are you going to do about it if I decide to tell you anyway?"

Apparently Frank had forgotten some crucial things about dealing with Jim Kirk. Either that, or he'd just been very different as a kid. Carol, however, recognized the look in the Captain's eyes, the one that said 'you've gone too far'. Carol had seen a pack of Klingons get control of their tempers when faced with that look, it was too bad that Frank was too much of a fool to know better.

"Well you've been insulting these people who've been working their tails off in less than stellar conditions, you've been unspeakably rude to one of my officers, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm sending you back to the ship. You get to explain to your superiors why the contract for this colony went to one of their competitors. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to hear it."

Frank sneered. "And what if I don't want to go _Captain_?"

Jim smirked. "Then I'll be more than happy to have you hauled up and tossed in the brig for the remainder of the voyage."

That seemed to get through to Frank, at least somewhat, as he paled. "You wouldn't dare."

Kirk gestured to Michaels and Brantley, who strode forward. Frank backtracked as quickly as he could.

"Fine! Fine, you pathetic excuse for a Captain, I'll go. But this isn't over."

"Oh yes it is. This is your one and only warning. The next time you do something to disrupt this mission, I'll have you tossed in the brig no matter what you say." And before Frank could do more than splutter, Kirk yanked out his communicator and instructed the transporter room to beam Frank back up to the ship.

As Kirk turned to the colonists to offer them the services of his engineering department to collect data for a new contractor, Carol turned and headed back to her work, her thoughts focused in one place; marveling at the strength of her captain. Jim had grown up with that man, had been with him day in and day out before he'd had the strength and backup that came with being a starship Captain. How had he managed to come out of that with his enormous heart?

The _Enterprise_ cruised through the void, her powerful warp engines propelling her away from Tarquan now that her mission there was complete. Scotty and his people had worked feverishly to patch up the worst of the problems they found, and both he and the colonists were fairly certain their work would be enough to hold the colony together until the supply ships arrived.

Coming off an exhausting double shift, Scotty sank back into his chair in the mess hall cradling his glass of scotch as he and Hikaru Sulu listened to Carol Marcus recount the events on the planet. As usual the one thing in the universe that could outrace the _Enterprise_ any day was gossip. By the end of the day word of the altercation on the planet had spread throughout the ship like wildfire, and Carol, Brantley, and Michaels were getting swamped with requests to give their version of the story. It was all the worse for Carol as she was the only one who had been there for the full incident. When Scotty and Sulu had asked her what happened she looked like she was about to bite their heads for being the hundredth people to ask, but since they'd both been in the briefing and knew the situation she figured of all people they needed to know.

Scotty was disgusted with what he'd heard of the way that 'man' had behaved towards the colonists. He'd spent the day up to his elbows in their patch jobs, and on the whole he was impressed. They'd done a mighty fine job considering what they had to work with, and then to insult their captain on top of it? Sulu was clearly of the same opinion.

"I don't believe that little weasel. I suppose it was too much to hope that he'd grown up and started to regret the way he'd treated the captain way back when. I have half a mind to introduce him to my new Orion _Tsaril_ saber."

Scotty had been hearing similar mutterings throughout the ship since he'd beamed up. This crew did not take kindly to people disrespecting their captain. Ever since they'd set out on their first mission the crew had had a great deal of respect for Captain Kirk, given what he'd accomplished against Nero. This only increased as he'd led them through the next few months. Jim Kirk had a very unique command style, managing to balance the respect due his rank with an openness and familiarity that was more reflective of a family than a crew. The crew had responded to this. It meant something to them when their captain made a point of showing them he cared. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything had changed. They'd been ordered to go after Khan and ended up in a deadly confrontation. Twice during that incident Kirk had floored the crew with his dedication to them. If someone were asked to name one character flaw Jim Kirk had, quite a few would have called him on his pride. Thus it was hard to decide which meant more to them; that Kirk had knowingly sacrificed his life for their safety, or that he'd basically bowed before his enemy and begged for their lives. Prior to that battle the crew had been quite loyal to their captain. Now they all but worshipped him.

So when they heard that this rude upstart had been bad-mouthing him, even without most of them knowing he'd been Kirk's abusive step-father, most of them were not happy.

Scotty opened his mouth to reply to Sulu's comment when a voice from behind him froze his blood.

"And then the little punk had the gall to threaten me! Ordered me back to the ship like I was wearing one of his uniforms. I tell you, one day soon that brat is gonna get what's coming to him."

Red alert klaxons were blaring in Scotty's mind as quite a few crewmen bristled at the mocking tones of Frank Garson talking to several of his chums from his contracting company. Some started half rising from their seats. Scotty hurriedly waved them back down, knowing the very last thing Jim needed was for trouble to break out between Frank and the crew.

"Oh, but look at this! Apparently his blind dogs actually like him! Maybe even enough to defend their proud captain's honor! Never mind that the little washout was never able to do anything right."

Now even Sulu was out of his seat. Scotty stood up and put a restraining hand on the helmsman's shoulder, shaking his head at the still more crewmen who looked ready to pound Frank's face in. Scotty focused all of his attention on making sure each of the crew got the message that they were to do nothing, as it was a nice diversion for his own fraying temper. He was so close, so close, to gaining control of himself too, when the mocking tones broke out from just behind him. If only-

"From what I hear he couldn't even manage to die right."

If only.

Oh well.

Kirk strode onto the bridge, doing everything he could think of to shove that little piece of his mind back in its box. He hated that Frank's voice still held enough power to make him doubt himself, but it was unavoidable. He'd always had his own doubts about his ability to Captain a starship, and some of his earliest memories were of Frank mocking his abilities. As much as he knew in his mind that Frank was full of hot air, the man had beaten down on him in the weakest point in his life. As much as he tried to deny it, there was a part of him that still felt vulnerable to the man's poison.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the nagging whine, Kirk strode over to the science station.

"Status, Mr. Spock?"

Spock looked up from his console. "No difficulties to report, Captain. We are currently on course for Adara 2. All systems functioning normally."

Kirk nodded in response to the report. He hadn't expected anything different, but protocol was protocol, and Spock would sooner let loose a belly laugh than ignore it. Now for the real question. "What about our shadows?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "During our orbit of Tarquan, the unidentified sensor readings appeared to maintain their distance, remaining just inside sensor range but no closer, and following as we departed."

Kirk acknowledged the report with a nod. "Keeping us in sight but no closer. Any progress on figuring out just what these readings are?"

"None. The sensors are giving no readings out of the ordinary aside from motion contacts."

Kirk rubbed his face in frustration. After a day like today, no progress wasn't sitting well with him. He just wanted some answers. Any answers. "Analysis, Spock. If these are hostile ships, what might their objectives be?"

"Impossible to determine without more data. However, at the moment the _Enterprise_ does represent a tempting target. In addition to the normal difficulties the Federation would suffer from the loss of Starfleet's flagship, the deaths of all of the delegates currently on board would present a potentially crippling blow, at least temporarily, to technological and scientific advancement."

Kirk sighed. Spock wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know, and he knew it. All he could do was rehash the unknowns and possibilities. They weren't going to get anything done like this.

"How about we call it a night and get a fresh start in the morning? I don't know about you but I could use a-" Kirk's thought was interrupted by the shrill note of the intercom.

"Security to Captain Kirk."

Kirk closed his eyes briefly in frustration before tapping the intercom. "Kirk here, what is it?"

"Captain, there's been a… disturbance in the mess hall."

Kirk's and Spock's eyebrows raced each other to the tops of their owners' heads.

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	6. Chapter 6

**A/N I know some will probably not be pleased with a decision I made in this chapter. I do lay out a lot of the reasons for it in the chapter itself, but if you want to talk further, please do it politely, and I will do my level best to respond quickly.**

Disclaimer: Despite my dreams for most of my life, I actually don't own Star Trek.

Sulu looked up as he heard the doors to the mess hall slide open and winced as Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock paused to take in the sight before them. Tables and chairs strewn every which way, ominous-looking streaks of red splattered all over, members of Kirk's crew as well as guests bruised and battered. Sulu felt the regret coming over him. He didn't regret his reaction, but the Captain would not be any happier about this simply because they were defending him. To have a number of his crew, including _senior officers_ for crying out loud, getting into a brawl with his guests would cause a heap of trouble for the captain. Kirk had enough problems on his hands already, and Sulu felt sorry he'd contributed to adding to them.

"Report, Mr. Hendorff." The Captain called to the security officer in the tone he always used in that rare instance when a matter of ship's discipline came up.

"Sir, security received a call about ten minutes ago and arrived two minutes later to find a… well, a bit of a scuffle going on between most of the crewmembers present and a number of the guests, sir."

"Fantastic." Kirk said dryly as he acknowledged the report with a nod while continuing to take in the scene. Sulu had to admit to being quite impressed at the Captain's lack of any reaction whatsoever when he saw Frank sitting across the room with a large cut on his forehead, a number of bruises, and several rips in his jacket.

"Bones?"

The doctor stood up, having been crouched on one knee running a medical scanner over a lieutenant wearing what was once a gold command tunic but was now too splattered with red to hold the distinction. "Nothing too serious. Some contusions, blunt-force trauma. No serious injuries. Just your basic barroom brawl."

"Something you know nothing about, isn't that right _Captain_?" Sneered Frank from where he sat.

Kirk ignored him as he gave McCoy an incredulous look. "No serious injuries?! What about that?" Kirk pointed at the reddened crewmember McCoy had just come from. "Or that?" He shifted his finger towards the new color scheme on the far wall."

McCoy responded with a sardonic chuckle. "Oh that isn't blood. Hanson took his turn in the kitchen today for an encore presentation of his grandmother's pasta sauce. Naturally the one day he finally agrees to make it again is the one day where it means there was just a lot more to go flying around once the fighting started. Almost gave me a coronary when I walked in."

The Captain exhaled in obvious relief. "Well, I'm glad to hear that much at least. Any idea how this little rumble got started?"

The doctor smirked. "You'd never believe me if I told you." And with that he gestured to Kirk's left, towards the huddling figures of Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott, who was spouting a nice shiner next to his left eye and gazing every which way around the room that did not lead towards his Captain, and Sulu himself, who wilted under the disappointed and disbelieving gaze of his Captain.

"Scotty?" Kirk asked, his voice tinged with disbelief. "Sulu?"

"Aye, sir?" Scotty replied, doing his level best to sound innocent and ignorant and failing brutally. Sulu couldn't muster himself up enough to do that much.

"I don't- why?"

The two men traded looks. "Well, sir-"

"Oh, bravo, bravo. Captain grown-up is gonna discipline his crew for not being able to take someone not being able to call him like he is. Not only did you manage to not raise your monkey gang well enough to be able to keep their tempers, you also managed to be the big thing which sets them off. Well done, Captain."

Having had his question answered for him, Kirk turned to fix his glare on the figure of his step-father. "You know, I seem to recall giving you a warning about disrupting this voyage again."

Frank scoffed at Kirk's words. "Oh, so your crew throws the punches at me, and I'm the only one that you yell at. Mark of a great Captain, that is."

Kirk smiled thinly. "Oh no, that and only that is the reason I'm consenting to confine you to your quarters instead of the brig like I originally promised. And my punishment for their actions is not something I have any intention of letting you listen to." He gestured to Hendorff who in turn nodded to one of his guards, and the two men strode over to the now spluttering Frank and grasped him by the elbows.

"Y-You can't do this, Kirk!"

"Oh, I think you'll find that I can."

Frank continued stuttering for another moment before he stopped and shook his head before laughing uproariously. "Oh of course that's what you'd do you little punk. Blame me. Just like I'm sure you blamed your horrible old step-father for all of your mistakes. How else could you get into that academy of yours? They don't just take failure washouts normally. No, you just find someone else to blame it on. You'd never take the blame for your own mistakes. Nobody could ever get you to listen to anything. Not me, not Walken, not Barnes, not even Kodos!"

'_I had to have heard that last name wrong_' Sulu thought to himself. He glanced over to Scotty and some of the others only to find them making the same glances, willing everyone else's reactions to mean they hadn't heard the right name. Sulu slowly turned to look at the Captain, only to see all of the blood draining from his face. '_No!_' Sulu thought to himself as he felt bile rising up in his throat. '_Not this. After this jerk and that woman, this is just too much. Please don't let it be true._'

"Oh, you never told you little gang all about big bad Tarsus? I can't imagine why, it would've been sure to get you more sympathy from them. You…" Frank didn't seem to realize nobody was listening to his rant anymore, everyone too busy focusing their eyes on the Captain.

Sulu saw a tiny bit of color come back to his skin as his eyes narrowed, his pupils swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Sulu knew this look. He'd seen it many times, most recently when Kirk saw through a convoluted plot by the Orions to trick the _Enterprise_ crew into losing their spot in an auction for dilithium mining rights in the Penalde region. This was Kirk figuring out a puzzle, that genius-level brain of his stringing facts together to come to the final conclusion. He seemed to have reached that conclusion, for his eyes suddenly shot open, his face dominated by some kind of realization. It was what happened next, however, that would haunt Sulu's nightmares the most that night.

Kirk's eyes, those blue orbs that always shone with mischief, humor, anger, some kind of passionate emotion, seemed to bleed most of their color away. He opened his mouth to emit a feral snarl of primal animalistic rage. Yelling his cry to the heavens, Kirk charged right at Frank, his posture murderous. Spock was the only one who managed to overcome their shock enough to catch the Captain, but Kirk tore from the Vulcan's grasp with desperate strength, intent on continuing his attack. But this delay allowed the rest of the crew to snap out of their daze, and McCoy made a grab at Jim. It was clear he had no chance of holding the Captain right then, but this bought enough time for Spock to regain his grip on Jim. The two men wrestled with their Captain, calling his name repeatedly to no effect. Finally, Spock managed to get his fingers on Kirk's face and shouted "Jim!" with all his might. This managed what nothing else could, and the blue flooded Kirk's eyes again. He ceased struggling, falling limp and breathing heavily.

Several seconds passed, during which no one so much as dared to breathe, before Kirk nodded silently to Spock and McCoy, who released him but stood close by, looking concerned (or as concerned as Spock ever allows himself to look). Kirk took one step forward and raised his left hand, jerking his thumb towards the door behind him.

"Hendorff, throw him in the brig."

Hendorff shook himself out of his shock and nodded, before he and the guard with Frank's other elbow dragged him from the room, the hydraulic hiss of the closing doors leaving a stiff, oppressive silence in its wake.

* * *

Later that evening Jim sat in his cabin, the lights only at half illumination, his eyes not needing even that much as the only thing he saw were scenes long past. Scenes he'd tried so hard to banish from his memories, knowing full well he'd never fully succeed. He had asked, back when he let himself dwell, why? Why him? Now he at last had an answer to that question but it brought him no satisfaction. And that led him back to the doubts which had been plaguing him.

Kirk had no idea how long he'd sat there brooding before his dark thoughts were interrupted by the chime of the door. He wanted so badly to tell whomever had the gall to catch him while he was being morbid to go away, but as the Captain, it wasn't exactly the right message to send. And he'd already done enough to destroy _that_ particular image today, so…

"Come."

Kirk didn't actually look at the door to see which of his friends had come. Beyond the footsteps entering the room they were absolutely silent, so he couldn't identify the voice. But as the doors shut behind them he caught a whiff of an exotic, forest-smelling fragrance, and he knew who had come.

"Something I can help you with, Lieutenant?"

Uhura was simply speechless. When she'd heard the gossip circulating about what had happened in the mess hall she had almost ordered two Ensigns to sickbay for a psychological exam to ensure they weren't delusional. Jim Kirk, on Tarsus IV? When she'd tracked down Sulu to drag the whole story out of him she'd almost thrown up. All she had to do was see the look in the helmsman's eyes and she knew immediately that there were no delusions. No rumors. Just plain, horrific facts.

She'd gone straight from Sulu to his quarters, needing to see with her own eyes that he was… not ok, because she knew seeing him would only make the exact opposite even clearer than it already was, but… intact. Even knowing the disaster had been years before they'd even met she felt an incomprehensible relief at seeing him alive and well. But now he was waiting for an answer, and she cast about wildly for something to say. What she landed on wasn't ideal considering the circumstances, but she knew him, and knew certain questions would be driving him crazy, so she decided to assuage those fears.

"Spock is going through the records now. He says he's already found ample circumstantial evidence from previous years. He's fairly confident he can find enough to ensure a conviction."

Jim let out a soft sigh. "Good" was all he said.

Uhura hesitantly moved closer to his exposed back. She knew he could hear her but he wasn't saying anything. Five steps away… no reaction. Three steps…two steps… one step…. She was close enough to put her hand tentatively on his shoulder, letting him know she was there if he wanted but not butting in.

"It's ironic, you know? Most people in my shoes would feel some sense of betrayal. Me? It's just anger. I don't care that it's him as opposed to anyone else. Some family man I am."

There was no way Nyota was going to let that stand.

"Hey. That… creature was never family, no matter what some piece of paper said. You're not feeling betrayed because he never meant enough to be able to betray you. It's more like, say, finding some horrible misdeed of a Klingon's than it is one from Spock."

He turned and gave her the first bit of eye contact since she'd entered. She could see the gratitude for even that bit of reassurance, but she knew it wasn't much, as that hadn't been one of the principle problems on his mind.

"So… by the fact that you're here I'm guessing its spread around the ship by now."

The comment was made in such an offhand way that a person unfamiliar with James Kirk could easily be excused for thinking it didn't matter too much to him. Uhura knew better. Those were the comments you needed to pay the most attention. That being said, there still wasn't a whole lot she could do.

"I'm sorry. There was no way to stop it once it had gotten that public."

Jim nodded repeatedly, trying to find some kind of diversion in the act of moving his head. All he managed to gain was a crick in his neck. He wanted nothing less in the universe than to ask the next question, but he'd never been one to shy away from the hard facts.

"How- how are they taking it?"

Uhura looked at him questioningly. "Is that why you never told anyone? You were ashamed?"

_Damn the perceptive woman_. Kirk scrambled to try and find something else to answer without actually lying.

"I didn't want to be treated any differently."

Uhura shook her head. "They won't treat you any differently. You already were their own J.T."

Kirk turned sharply. "You know about that too?"

Despite herself, Uhura snorted. "Jim, you have some of the best and brightest in Starfleet. Did you really think that once they found out you were there and nobody knew about it, that they'd just miss the fact that the legendary leader of the surviving children whose death, not to mention name, were never confirmed happened to have the same initials as you?"

Jim blushed and stood up. "No, I guess not."

He moved across the room, leaving Uhura at the desk, watching a man usually so full of confidence pacing with his head stuck in the clouds. She didn't want to push, but she knew he'd never open up at all without any encouragement.

"Alright, what's really bothering you?"

"What do you mean?"

Uhura rolled her eyes. "Come on, Jim. There's something still weighing on you, and it's not your family issues with Frank, or even what the crew thinks of you. I'm not saying those aren't weighing on you, but there's something more. Something bigger."

Kirk turned around and smirked. "Channeling Bones, Lieutenant?"

Nyota scoffed. "I don't need psychology experience to not be fooled by a relatively weak avoidance technique. Try again."

The smirk slid off, to be replaced with a forlorn grimace. She'd never seen the charismatic Jim Kirk looking so unsure. They spent a minute or two in silence, before he spoke again, so softly it was tough for Uhura to hear it not 4 feet away.

"Do you think I'm a decent Captain?"

She wouldn't have been more surprised if he'd stated he was a virgin. "What does that mean? Of course you are! You can't seriously be buying into the drivel those two miserable excuses for people have been spouting!"

Jim chuckled ruefully, absolutely no humor in his voice. "Can't I? It wasn't easy ignoring all those slurs. I spent years with them being the only adult presence in my life. No matter what happens afterward, that always gives them a certain credibility. And then there was the mess hall."

Uhura didn't know where this was going, but she was sure she didn't like it. "What about the mess hall?"

"Everything! My crew got into a brawl onboard my own ship! I charged a man like a wild buffalo! My first officer had to do a mini-mind meld to get through to me! How can I think I'm a good captain after all of that!?"

"Jim." Nyota moved towards him, trying desperately to placate his worries. "I know they were adult figures to you, but they have no right to offer any opinion. They are not right, they never were. As for the brawl, I heard what happened. I'm not telling you what, but let's just say Frank crossed the line. And you had just found out something horrific about a monster who had caused you far more than enough pain already! I don't think there is anyone who could blame you for reacting the way you did. Many would have long ago."

Jim didn't look convinced, but he did look at least a tiny bit less certain about his self-punishment. Uhura wanted to offer more comfort, but there were no more words to be said, so she took his head in her hands and pulled him down for a hug. They stayed that way for several long moments. Then Jim chuckled lightly.

"Who knew all I had to do to get you to go in for body to body contact was tell you my dark secret?"

Nyota rolled her eyes and punched his shoulder playfully as she pushed away, but she was glad to hear the come-on. It was a sign her friend did feel at least somewhat better. In fact she was so relieved she almost missed the look of-_ disappointed, resigned?_ Why would he be upset that she'd moved away? It was the normal way she always responded to his flirting, and that was never serious-

A question she'd wondered about a few times at the academy came to her mind just then. She'd never asked because back then she… well, she didn't really care all that much. But now Jim was her friend, and now that she thought about it in light of that look, the question started nagging at her again. She started pushing it away, figuring that in light of the last few days it didn't really matter, when she stopped cold. _The last few days…_ The memories of everything she'd learned about her captain, all of the terrible details rushed past in her mind's eye, and together with the question she'd remembered and that look in his eyes Nyota began to consider a horrible suspicion….

"Jim, why was I the only woman you kept flirting with?"

Uhura couldn't really blame Kirk for looking taken off guard by the apparent non-sequitor.

"What?"

"In the academy, there were plenty of other women you tried to woo who didn't respond, but you never tried again after they said they weren't interested. I was the only one you kept flirting with. Why?"

"Where did that come from?"

"I'll tell you in a minute. Just answer the question."

Jim shrugged and then scrunched his eyes up in thought, searching for an answer.

"I don't know, I guess you were different. You always came up with funny ways to say no, I didn't even mind when they embarrassed me. Every time we disagreed… I had fun arguing with you. Does that make any sense at all?"

Nyota nodded slowly. "More than you know," she whispered.

Jim just stared at her blankly. "What does that mean?"

Uhura sighed. Should she explain this? No, at this point she had to. But how does one even go about explaining something like this?

"Jim… I'm guessing you never had any discussions with your mother, times where she would simply sit down and tell you she loved you?"

Jim snorted. "She barely even ever managed to say it period. When she did it wasn't exactly believable. "

Nyota sighed and silently cursed the woman. "Did you ever have a girlfriend when you were living in Iowa, before you left?"

Kirk looked at her askance but trusted her enough to know the point would be made clear. "No."

Uhura nodded, as if this was the answer she'd been expecting, although for the life of him Jim couldn't understand why. "And before… what happened on Tarsus?"

Jim shook his head slowly.

"And when you got back, that's when you were kind of mad at the world and getting into trouble, up until that night in the bar?"

Kirk gave one more nod, his genius mind spinning in every direction trying to figure out what she was getting at, but he didn't push, because if the look on her face was any indication, Nyota was rather uncomfortable with whatever she was trying to explain to him.

"Jim, these are the kinds of experiences that help people learn how to recognize when they have… feelings for someone. The way you grew up, you had no way to understand what it felt like. The only connection you ever learned about having with a woman was through sex. When a man and a woman have fun arguing with each other… that's often a sign that they feel some kind of chemistry towards each other.

Jim's head was reeling. "And… and a weird feeling in their stomach whenever the other walked into the room?

Uhura nodded slowly.

"Oh."

"'Oh' is right."

The two of them stood in an awkward silence for another few minutes, neither one daring to speak. Finally Jim decide to grab the bull by the horns and managed to choke something out. "So, uh… what- um, what happens now?"

Uhura considered the question carefully. Jim had feelings for her but didn't know how to express them. That was something she'd need to wrap her head around…. But the idea wasn't exactly unappealing. Jim certainly wasn't unattractive, or lacking in charm. She'd always gone back and forth on exactly how she regarded him, but she definitely had enjoyed their arguments as well. And now that she thought about it… in light of all the revelations she was getting about him, she had to look at some of the behaviors she hadn't appreciated in a new light.

Yes, he was a player, but that was the only way he knew how to have any kind of relationship. Anything else was simply not something he'd ever been able to experience. Yes he was cocky, but she'd paid enough attention in her psych course to know that was one of the most common defense mechanisms for emotionally wounded people. And Jim was definitely wounded. Now that she thought about it, she wasn't sure just how much of James Kirk, particularly what she'd known of him before their time on the _Enterprise_, was really who he was. And who he'd been on the ship… that was definitely someone she might like to get to know better.

"Now… we talk."

* * *

Jim sat in his ready room down the corridor from the bridge devoting about a quarter of his attention to his paperwork, the rest focused on the night before. He and Nyota had sat down and talked, just talked, for over three hours. Jim found himself, quite frankly, astonished at how much joy he got out of simply talking with a woman about random things. When he'd found himself voicing this right before Nyota had left his quarters, she'd gifted him with a smile that had his insides doing jumping jacks and a kiss on the cheek. Ever since then he'd been using the memory to push away the depressive thoughts when they came, and managed to get a good night's sleep, if not necessarily having the most peaceful dreams.

The _Enterprise_ was now coming up on their 2nd destination, the planet Arenya 2, above which orbited Starbase 15. Both the planet and the base had been getting fewer and fewer supply shipments recently, and there was concern that several of the scientific experiments on both might have been affected by not receiving needed shipments on time.

Speaking of experiments, Kirk was delighted by the excited conversations he was hearing from the crew of the _Enterprise _itself. His crew was thrilled with all of the incredible groundbreaking work the delegates were doing in their labs, and even more thrilled that they could take part in it. Kirk was always happy when his crew was this happy, even when it was (which it had been on more than one occasion) at his expense. But this was even better because he'd been expecting something far less pleasant from them.

The looks he'd anticipated when he'd gotten up this morning had been absent, to his great surprise. People turned to him when he came in, yes, and there was some sympathy in their gazes, but there was none of the pity Kirk had been dreading. There was only commiseration, as though they were upset because he was upset. Jim had always wondered what he'd done to deserve such an incredible crew, but he was hit quite hard by that today. He reflected on what Bones had told him when he mentioned this at breakfast.

"_They're your family, Jim. They love you. They know you don't want their pity. They just want you to know they support you, and that it doesn't change how they see you."_

Jim was especially grateful to Bones. For all the man could push when Kirk didn't want it, he knew how to respect Jim's boundaries (at least the ones he agreed with). He knew Jim well enough to know the things that would be troubling him right now, and just slipped statements like that into normal conversations to help counter his morbid thoughts.

Jim's surprisingly positive ruminations came to a crashing halt when the door in front of his desk opened without warning to a rather unwelcome figure.

"So your idea of being a good captain is arresting people for being mean to you?"

Jim looked up at his mother and gave a small smirk. "The fact that you're still roaming free says otherwise."

Winona marched right on as if he hadn't spoken. "You have no right to arrest my husband."

Jim's eyes narrowed. "I have every right. A crime was discovered on my ship, I had the perpetrator arrested, plain and simple."

"I cannot believe you! Your crew starts a brawl and you arrest only Frank! You are abusing your privileges as captain and Starfleet is going to hear about it! You're disgracing that uniform and your father's name with this childish behavior. I'm disappointed in you. I thought maybe you'd grown up with your captaincy, but that was obviously wishful thinking-"

"How dare you?!" Jim shouted, rising from the seat behind his desk. He could feel her words hitting him in the wound in his confidence which hadn't closed. He didn't need any more of this from her, so he responded with the easiest defense there was (a defense that didn't require a great deal of effort to muster up considering how she was speaking); anger.

"You talk to me as though you were my mother, as though I'm your child who ignored everything you tried to teach him. You have no right! You abdicated any rights as my mother. The only things I ever heard from you were criticisms! There was no pride, no joy. No telling me I had ever done the right thing! Only about how I was a disappointment to my father's legacy! And now after I've managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps from the cliff you left me dangling off of you have the gall to come in and playact as a mother only to tell me how disappointed you are again!?"

"Don't you talk to me like that James Tiberius Kirk! I am your mother, and I've done an awful lot for you, but you were never grateful for any of it. You just went out looking for trouble in any place where you could find it! You've done your level best to bring shame to your family name! You-"

Whatever else Kirk supposedly was or had done was lost as the _Enterprise _abruptly lurched to the side, sending both of the arguing Kirks staggering.

"This is the crew you're so proud of. If they let things like that happen-"

Jim ignored the spiteful words as he rushed to the door. No matter what trouble he ever had believing himself to be a good captain, there was one thing nobody would ever accuse James T. Kirk of, not even himself; not knowing his ship. Jim was intimately familiar with the _Enterprise_, with her feels, her movements, her strengths and weaknesses.

Which is why he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt even without the klaxons or Spock's comm call that his ship had just been hit by photon torpedo.

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	7. Chapter 7

**A/N All descriptions of **_**Enterprise's **_**weaponry are based on the films, not the series**

Kirk charged onto the bridge at a dead run as the deck slid under his feet, telling Kirk the _Enterprise_ was maneuvering in ways that would've made her designers puke.

"Report," he barked.

Spock sprang out of the captain's chair while fielding his captain's question.

"As our sensors were blinded in the moment we dropped out of warp to enter the Arenya system, the unidentified motion sensor contacts accelerated towards us at high warp. Before we could react several vessels appeared within the general area of our sensor readings and opened fire. Direct hit to port nacelle, warp drive offline. They have not responded to any of our hails. We have managed to evade them slightly, but they will be in weapons range again in 41 seconds."

"Any identification?"

"The specific design of the vessels is unfamiliar but the design is clearly Romulan."

Kirk turned to the viewscreen where, sure enough, three gray-green crab shaped vessels with predatory birds painted on the ventral hulls lurked, almost looking as though they were stalking their prey before moving in for the kill.

_Romulans_. Definitely not some of Kirk's favorite people. Another part of Spock's report jumped out at him.

"What do you mean they appeared?"

"It seems the Romulan vessels are equipped with some form of cloaking technology."

The statement, as well as its implications, bludgeoned Kirk like a sledgehammer. "The Romulans have been trying to make that work for over 100 years!"

"It would appear they have finally succeeded," Spock noted dryly.

Kirk turned to Carol. "Tactical analysis."

The blonde science officer turned from her readouts. "These ships are approximately half our size with less than two thirds our firepower, however there are three of them."

This was not an encouraging statement. The _Enterprise_ may be bigger and stronger than one of these ships, but not two, and certainly not three. Kirk turned to the navigation console.

"Mr. Chekov, how long to Starbase 15 at full impulse?" The base was well armed, there was no way the Romulans would be able to handle them both. Unfortunately, Chekov's answer did not give Kirk that option.

"Tventy minutes, Keptin."

_Okay, no help there_. Kirk didn't need Spock to tell him the odds of the shields lasting under that pounding for twenty minutes were slim to none. If the _Enterprise_ was to survive, she'd have to do so herself.

"Tactical display."

Sulu touched a control on his panel and the viewscreen lit up with a map of the general vicinity. Three red icons displaying the bird-like symbol of the Romulan Star Empire were closing in on a blue Federation symbol. Other representations of the starbase lined the outer edge of the screen, too far away to be of any help. Uhura's voice broke in from her station behind Kirk to his right.

"Captain, we're getting a message from the Romulan ships."

"Onscreen."

The viewer changed from the displaying the dismal tactical situation to the equally dismal face of a smirking Romulan commander.

"_Enterprise_, this is Commander Kenyar of the Romulan vessel _Tulrix_. You have thirty seconds to surrender or we will destroy you. This is your only warning." The transmission cut out before Kirk could respond. The crew turned to look at Kirk as he regarded the screen in front of him again showing the tactical display.

_What do we do now? We're outnumbered and outgunned. The Romulans are trying to deprive the Federation of its top scientists, it'd just be nice bonus if they could capture them. But we don't stand a chance against that much firepower. If we could get even one out of our way-_

Kirk cut off his verbal monologue as his last sentence melded with what he saw on the screen. _Out of our way. That might just- oh who am I kidding, that's insane! _

The irony of that response was not at all lost on Jim. He had never been one to play it safe; quite the contrary, the crazier an idea was, the more it usually appealed to him. So why now of all times did he feel like there was no way his plan, which was far from his nuttiest, would work?

Unbidden, memories of the last few days pounded through his mind. Arguments with his mother, taunts from Frank, the bruised and battered mess hall, his blind fury in going after Frank. How could he trust his judgment after all that had happened on his watch? How could he risk his crew on the basis of such a stupid plan? Frozen with indecision, Kirk's eyes refocused on the world around him as he took in the faces of his people surrounding him. What he found shocked him.

Each and every one of his crew was looking at him, waiting for him to tell them what to do. This was nothing new, it was their jobs. The part that startled him so was that there was absolutely no fear on their faces. They weren't being brave and working through their fear like most people, they weren't afraid.

Sulu and Chekov, in front of him, tense and ready for action, but not afraid. Carol, behind and to his left, looking at him with frank curiosity, waiting for his next move, as if this were an experiment where she was interested to see the results, but not afraid. On the other side from her, Spock, cool, calm and collected as always, looking to him for orders, obviously not afraid. Nyota, next to him, her eyes confident, anticipatory, but not afraid. All of the other crewmembers on the bridge, not parts of his close-knit family circle, but still family, and all poised to follow where he led, knowing everything would be fine, not afraid.

_Maybe they have enough confidence for all of us_.

Kirk punched the comm on the arm of his chair.

"Kirk to Engineering. Scotty, divert as much power as you can spare to the inertial dampers and batten down, it's about to get rough."

"Aye, Sir."

"Sulu, Chekov, Spock, do you trust me?'

The question may have been a little strange in their circumstances, but for this to work, they'd have to take everything Kirk said at face value. The slightest hesitation, one misstep, would doom them all. They didn't even pause to think.

"Aye, sir."

"_Da_, Keptin."

"Yes, Captain."

Part of Kirk wanted to choke up, but he simply didn't have time. "Then listen very carefully."

* * *

As the 3 Romulan vessels closed in on their prey, _Enterprise_ turned and shot off toward the starbase at her top impulse speed. Fortunately for the Romulans, they'd anticipated such a maneuver. The ships were positioned in advance to allow one of them to easily intercept the _Enterprise_, leaving her caught in a pincer, one ship ahead and two behind.

Not so fortunately for the Romulans, this was exactly what Kirk was counting on.

As _Enterprise_ sped toward the Romulan vessel, her tractor beam lanced out to connect with it. Tethered to each other, the ships grew closer and closer. Red flares began to show on _Enterprise_'s ventral hull as Sulu began firing maneuvering thrusters just as Spock began manipulating the tractor beam.

_Enterprise_ steadily rose, on a course to miss colliding with the Romulan ship from just above it, but her speed was dropping. The reason for this soon became evident as the speed of the ship she had tethered herself to began increasing at the same time. As the two ships neared the point where they'd become closest, the Starfleet ship began a roll, her saucer tucking downward and nacelles coming up. The two ships continued exchanging their momentum as they passed, the smaller one stealing acceleration against his will. Pouring her own speed into the Romulan ship, _Enterprise _cut the beam andliterally flung her adversary back at his friends behind her.

Both of the Romulan ships began to move to avoid the incoming ballistic missile of a starship. The one to starboard was barely in its path and managed to avoid a collision with ease. The port ship was not so fortunate. The two crab-shaped Birds of Prey did not hit each other straight on, rather scraping each other, their shields cancelling each other out at the points of collision. This would normally have not done any more harm to the two ships than a need for a new paint job, but there was another factor- _Enterprise_ was just coming out of her roll.

The inertia of the roll had pinned the crew to their seats. Having anticipated this, Chekov poured all of his strength and willpower into sliding one hand downward to hit one button, executing a preprogrammed computer targeting sequence. The forward launcher on _Enterprise_'s 'neck' spat out a volley of white-hot photon torpedoes. Six missiles streaked forward, homing in on their target; the area where the 2 Romulan ships were currently in the process of ramming each other's shields out of existence.

The torpedoes smashed into their targets, the explosions of each one venting their fury into both ships because of how close the two were. Without shields in place to protect them the Romulan vessels were left with nothing but bare, scratched hull metal to protect them from the matter-antimatter detonations. Both ships emerged from the firestorm, black battle damage scarring their hulls, completely crippled and no longer a threat.

* * *

The crew on the bridge was thrilled with the results of their maneuver, right up until Spock stymied the moment with a rather unwelcome announcement.

"Captain, our own shields pinged those of the Romulan vessel as we passed. They are down to 15%."

As if to reinforce the seriousness of his statement, the ship rocked from another hit from the remaining Romulan.

"Shields at 8%, Captain!"

Kirk spun away from Spock's science station, his brain whirling a light-year a minute, looking for the best way out.

"Chekov, Sulu!"

* * *

Commander T'shal of the Romulan vessel _K'vrel_ smirked silently. His momentary alarm at the Starfleet ship managing to knock out his two brother ships so quickly had been tempered by the damage their shield had taken in the process. He regarded the enemy vessel on his screen hungrily, sensing the glory just within his grasp as he beheld his weakened foe, made all the sweeter because he had not expected the glory to go to him; he was not the leader of the strike group. Perhaps he should thank the humans for taking Kenyar out of the running before he killed them….

"Weapons officer! Target all batteries on the _Enterprise_! Stand by-"

T'shal's order was interrupted by the sight of the Federation vessel launching three more torpedoes at them. T'shal opened his mouth to order his crew to brace themselves and return fire but he needn't have bothered. The torpedoes exploded long before reaching the _K'vrel_. As the image on his screen was filled with flames from the detonated munitions, T'shal believed he realized what the Starfleet captain was attempting to do.

"Helm! Weapons! They will use the explosions as cover to change position and fire! We must move as well and prepare to fire as soon as we-"

T'shal's orders died on his lips as the flames were parted by the saucer of the _Enterprise_, coming straight at them!

"Evasive!"

The _K'vrel_ lunged to port as fast as she could, while _Enterprise _nudged her own course to her own port, allowing the two ships to miss each other by less than 40 meters. As the two passed by, _Enterprise_ let loose with the full fury of her starboard phaser batteries. Not having to waste precious energy covering the distance to its target as usual, the Romulan vessel took the full brunt of the far more powerful starship's formidable weapons array. Angry red phaser bolts tore through the Romulan shields like tissue paper to sledgehammer the starship they protected. To his credit, the Romulan weapons officer managed to get off a single disruptor blast during the fast confrontation, blasting through what little remained of _Enterprise_'s shields and gouging an ugly scar in her engineering hull. But the decisive victor of the point-blank firefight was without a doubt the Federation flagship, as she slid past the smoking wreck of the Romulan vessel to come to a stop, battered, bruised, yet triumphant.

* * *

The crew on the bridge cheered for their victory as Kirk leaned back in his chair and expelled a breath. As the shouts and whoops died down, Jim turned to Spock.

"Damage report?"

Spock consulted his readouts to check the still incoming reports.

"Shield generators and warp drive are offline. We have a breach in the secondary hull, decks 16 and 17, already sealed off. Sickbay reports significant injuries, but they are hopeful that they will be able to avoid any fatalities."

Kirk let loose a tired grin as his adrenaline began wearing off. "Excellent. Stay on top of it Mr. Spock. Mr. Chekov, keep our weapons locked on the Romulan ships, watch them carefully for any sign that they're becoming a threat again. Uhura, get me Starfleet Command. We need to know how the admiralty will want to deal with this.

With the chorus of 'Aye's at his back, Kirk got up and turned to the door to head to his ready room and talk to command. Seeing the starboard side of the bridge for the first time since the battle had begun, Jim only just now saw the presence which had been skulking there the whole time. Refusing to let himself be fazed, Jim held his head up high and strode out, the unreadable gaze of his mother following him the whole way.

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	8. Chapter 8

Spock sat in his quarters, his eyes closed, his mind turning inward for sorely needed meditation. Despite the conflict with the Romulan vessels having been resolved in _Enterprise_'s favor over ten hours prior, this was the first chance Spock had had to come off duty since, as he had been required to oversee damage control efforts and participate in several discussions regarding the disposition of the surviving attackers as well as other decisions necessitated by the ambush. His duty had had to take precedence, yet Spock had been, to use the closest human term, craving meditation the entire time. The emotions elicited by the battle were quite chaotic.

Being in battle always created emotional responses, even for a Vulcan with Spock's extensive combat experience, and such emotions were often turbulent, but this particular battle had been worse by several orders of magnitude. This was the first time Spock found himself in combat against Romulans since the encounter with Nero. Spock's Vulcan logic made it clear to him that no other Romulans deserved the blame for Nero's actions, just as no other human could be blamed for Khan's, however, his emotional human side was not as easily dissuaded from feeling clear anger, even hatred, towards beings who had any type of association with the one who destroyed his home, his people, his mother. Particularly as this had once again been an attack without any form of provocation.

'_No_.' Spock cut off his thoughts, refusing to continue dwelling on these illogical emotions. Refocusing his efforts inward, he set about purging them. He had been working for 11.42 seconds when he was brought out of his trance by the ping of the door chime. Swiftly quelling his annoyance, Spock called out to the door comm.

"Come."

The doors slid aside. Spock's raised eyebrow was the only outward indication of his surprise at the identity of his unexpected visitor.

"Am I disturbing you?"

"Not at all Commander. Come in."

Winona Kirk walked into Spock's quarters, her body language indicating to Spock that she was quite uncomfortable with whatever she had come to speak about. Spock rose from his meditation mat and strode over to the door to meet her, gesturing to one of his two guest chairs for her to seat herself. Spock took the facing chair and sat ramrod straight as he looked at Winona, waiting for her to speak.

"I'll not take up much of your time, Commander, I'm sure you've had a busy day."

Spock's only acknowledgment of the comment was a small incline of his head. Winona seemed to sense that Spock was not particularly inclined to engage in any idle chatter and steeled herself.

"Commander Spock, you are a logical being. Your reactions, your opinions, they are formed through pure logic, unaffected by emotional considerations."

"Ideally, yes."

Winona nodded, understanding the distinction.

"Wha- What is your opinion of my son?"

Spock raised both eyebrows at this question before responding coolly. "I am not certain how my opinions regarding Captain Kirk are any of your concern, Commander."

Spock always made it a point to be honest with himself, a key component of Vulcan culture. If this were not the case, he never would have allowed himself to admit, even in the privacy in his own mind, just how startled he was by the look of desperation that appeared in the woman's eyes at his response.

"Mr. Spock, I know I have no right to ask you this, but… I need to know."

"May I ask why?"

Winona sighed and adopted a faraway look. "I've been upset with my son for his entire life. His father died during his birth, and I've always felt my son did not care, was not grateful. I've always known him to be a troublemaker, a class clown. Someone who cared about his own convenience and nothing else. I- The James Kirk I know would never have been able to earn himself such loyalty from an entire ship full of trained Starfleet officers. And the way he acted during the battle- I don't know what to think anymore Mr. Spock, I really don't. My perceptions of my son are all muddled by our history. You are the most objective person I can imagine who knows my son. I need to know how impartial eyes see him. Please."

Spock regarded her in silence for a moment before answering. "I would not look to myself as the first example of being called 'impartial' with regards to James Kirk. The captain is quite intelligent, within the top percentages for standard human aptitude tests. He excels as a command pilot and has completed advanced classes in many disciplines. Much of his decision-making is based on his instincts, what he calls, 'his gut', yet he has proven to be quite willing to accept the council of logic when he finds it sound."

Spock paused for a moment before continuing. "But Jim is more than his skill at his Starfleet position. He is a deeply wounded and troubled man, a man who feels his emotions deeply. His empathy, loyalty, and moral compass are quite remarkable for someone who bears the psychological trauma of his past. He does not trust easily but when a person earns his trust, he will employ any means at his disposal to render whatever assistance that person may need, no matter the personal cost."

Spock sat back in his chair and put his hands up together in front of him, all five fingertips touching, but no other parts of the hand. "He is my friend, and I would be lying to claim total impartiality where he is concerned."

Winona sat there in silence for 9.3 seconds, simply staring at Spock incredulously, before finding her voice. "B-But F-Frank. He locked him up…. A starship captain can't simply throw his passengers in the brig whenever he feels like it-"

"Captain Kirk did not merely 'feel like it'. The charges against your husband are quite serious. I myself have devoted much of my time during the two duty shifts preceding the attack to locating evidence incriminating him, and thus far the results appear to support conviction. Captain Kirk was not only within his rights to incarcerate your husband, as a starship captain he would have been derelict in his duty had he not done so."

Winona's mouth opened and closed repeatedly, her face bearing a common human expression that Dr. McCoy had once likened to a fish. She sat there gaping at him for several moments.

"Wh- What are the charg- no, I don't think I can handle that too right now." She got to her feet, somewhat unsteady, but not to a degree that Spock judged sufficient for calling medical assistance.

"Th-Thank you, Mr. Spock. You've given me… a lot to think about…."

With this, Winona left, leaving Spock with a curious sense of satisfaction to add to his list of things to purge in that night's meditation.

* * *

While Spock sat in his quarters, Kirk and McCoy were ensconced in Jim's cabin, an open bottle of whisky sitting on the desk between them, the sounds of sipping being the only thing staving off the oppressive silence.

"How are you handling it, Jim?"

Kirk blew out a breath through his nose before answering McCoy's question with a question.

"How am I handling what? The fact that my ship was attacked and almost destroyed today and it could potentially spark a war? Or how am I handling the fact that our mission has been reassigned so we can head home for the dual purposes of repairs and for me to testify at a trial that will put my sordid private past on display for the whole Federation to see?"

"Yes."

Jim snorted. "'Bout like you'd expect," Jim responded in the midst of the process of tilting his head back to down another glass full.

"Look Jim, maybe we can get you out of this somehow. My brother in law is a lawyer, I can talk to him. I bet they can't make you testify-"

"Bones!" Kirk held up his hand. "I can't get out of it. The defense's strongest argument is already going to be hinging on the fact that I'm the one accusing him. If I try to bail out of testifying, there's no way Frank will go down. I can't let that happen Bones," Kirk's voice took on a more somber tint, just a notch above cracking. "I can't."

Kirk's eyes adopted a faraway look as he turned his head upward and gazed with unseeing eyes into the past.

"I owe it to them."

The two men sat in relative silence for half of the night. One plagued by the far too numerous ghosts of his past, the other unwilling to let him face their judgment alone.

* * *

The _Enterprise_ left Starbase 15 the next morning en route for Earth. She had undergone temporary repairs at the base to restore basic functionality to her warp drive, but the base drydock was already backed up, so there was no point in attempting to squeeze the flagship into the queue to repair the gaping hole rent in her flank by the final blast from the Romulan ship. Not when they had to return to Earth anyway. The decision regarding the disposition of the hulks of the Romulan vessels and their survivors was rendered moot in the end. When the _U.S.S._ _Endeavor_ arrived and attempted to move in to take them into custody, the vessels exploded, in what was clearly a last ditch attempt by the Romulans to achieve some kind of victory through their deaths. Only the quick reactions of Spock and the _Endeavor _helmsman prevented the attempt from being successful, leaving the vessel merely banged up a bit. Meanwhile, the science delegation (with two unfortunate exceptions) had been transferred to the _Lexington_ which would, under escort, convey them on the rest of their mission. _Enterprise_'s crew was understandably disappointed at losing the opportunities that came with the presence of the geniuses, but under the circumstances none of them objected to the change.

As the starbase was fairly close to Earth, the journey home took only the majority of that day. By midnight, ship's time, the majestic starship was settling into her birth at the dock orbiting her homeworld.

The trip had been marked by a set of decidedly withdrawn Kirks. The whole way Jim had been rather subdued, the twinkle in his eyes lacking its usual brightness, lost in thought whenever his duties permitted. Only Spock, McCoy, and Uhura were able to engage him in any kind of meaningful conversation, if nothing but short replies to questions actually deserved the term. Winona had not even been seen out of her quarters since her conversation with Spock.

Kirk decided to remain on the _Enterprise_, knowing the ship felt far more like home than his apartment on Earth. When the anticipated interruptions in his fitful sleep came, he was able to get up and wander around, taking in his ship; the sights, sounds, and smells of his ship, feeling comforted by her steady reassuring presence. He wound up in an observation lounge. Not his normal favorite one, as that would only show him the uninspiring view of the section of Spacedock _Enterprise_ was hugging, but with so few people aboard this didn't matter very much. That was where his senior officers found him early the next morning, all of them walking in and taking positions around the lounge, providing him with the quiet support of their presence. In that moment, as Kirk sat preparing for his worlds to collide this coming day, he was able to find some solace in the fact that out of all the times he'd had time to be sitting around dreading an up and coming inevitable disaster, for the first time he felt support at his back. If he fell, they'd catch him. When the time came, Jim found the strength in their support to push to his feet and head down to the planet to meet whatever came.

That day, at 1400 ship's time, noon in San Francisco, the crew of the _Enterprise_ was gathered with press, litigators, jury members and spectators in a large white courtroom. An older Kafeerian named Eneery walked in and took the Judge's position. When the court collectively retook their seats, Eneery asked the jury to read out the charges. Kirk closed his eyes briefly, knowing that it was about to begin.

"Your honor, Mr. Frank Garson stands accused of aiding and abetting an act of genocide, specifically culpability in the massacre on Tarsus IV."

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	9. Chapter 9

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.**

The uproar in the courtroom was furious. Very few people had known precisely what the trial was going to be about, only that it was high-profile. Flashes from the recorders carried by the press had the judge and anyone else unlucky enough to be in their path blinking furiously to clear their eyes. Questions and comments were being shouted out as though each person thought that if they could just make themselves heard over everyone else, they'd get their answer. Finally, someone did make themselves heard over everyone else. The bang of the gavel was deafening, and it lowered the volume enough that the calls for silence were finally heard and heeded.

"There will be no further outbursts!" shouted Eneery. "Anyone who disrupts these proceedings will be evicted from the courtroom and possibly held in contempt! Now, if the jury could finish reading out the charges?"

The juror cleared his throat nervously and looked down at his PADD again. "Mr. Garson is also charged with several counts of child abuse and one count of attempted murder." The gavel stopped the pandemonium in its tracks.

"Prosecution, call your first witness."

A middle aged man in drab civilian clothes stood up. Jim had only known of Samuel T. Cogley indirectly, but the man had the greatest recommendation Jim could imagine- he had been Christopher Pike's personal attorney and close friend. Jim talked with him over subspace and had quickly taken a liking to the slightly old-fashioned but quite passionate man. Jim asked him to prosecute, and once Cogley heard the situation, he agreed immediately. Having him there gave Kirk a small sense of having Pike there, and it gave Jim a tiny bit of welcome comfort amidst the large mass of dread settling in his stomach.

"Your honor, the prosecution calls Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_."

Apparently those in the room had learned their lesson, for nothing louder than murmurs followed Jim as he slowly stood and made his way to the seat leaning against the left wall perpendicular to the judge, facing the jury who were sat against the right wall.

As he lowered himself into the chair, Jim's eyes rose to view the rows of chairs behind the lawyers' tables. He met the gazes of his crew. Spock's eyes radiating the discipline of intellect overtaking emotion. Bones' eyes, flashing with the conviction that he was prepared to catch Jim when he fell. Uhura's eyes, burning their strength straight into his. (Kirk did his best not to focus on the tiny pang as he realized he couldn't see Scotty, figuring he was taking care of their girl, and that had to be more important, right?) Sulu, Chekov, Marcus. More of _Enterprise_'s crew, as many as could fit, still more visible through the windows set into the doors. Kirk took a deep breath and placed his hand on the deception detection pad, the drawling voice of the computer identity check being quite possibly the most monotonously quiet starter's gun Kirk has ever heard.

"Identity; Kirk, James Tiberius. Occupation; Starfleet Officer. Rank; Captain. Current Posting; Commanding Officer, _U.S.S. Enterprise_ NCC-1701. Starfleet Metal of Honor. Kragite Commendation for Excellence. Talus Medal for Conduct Above and Beyond the Call of Duty."

As the computer's recitation ended, Cogley moved to stand on Kirk's right, facing the jury while keeping his head angled towards Jim and the judge as well.

"Captain Kirk. I understand you were the one who first brought the allegations against the defendant to light. Could you describe for the court what precipitated this?"

_Here goes nothing_. "On our last mission, the _Enterprise_ was assigned to conduct a delegation of scientists and engineers to various sites around the Federation. The defendant came onboard leading a contingent from his contracting firm. Several days into the voyage there was a disturbance in the mess hall between the defendant's party and members of my crew. As I had already had to warn him about his behavior during the voyage I proceeded to order him confined to quarters. The defendant started shouting at me."

Cogley cut him off as expected. "Your honor, at this time I would like to enter into evidence the visual record made by _Enterprise_'s security systems so we can hear firsthand the defendant words."

"Very well."

The lights in the room dimmed and a viewscreen set into the wall behind the judge came on. The viewer was positioned to the judge's right so he could turn and see it as well.

The viewer showed the aftermath of the brawl in the _Enterprise's _mess hall, with Kirk facing down an angry Frank held by a pair of security officers.

"_Oh of course that's what you'd do you little punk. Blame me. Just like I'm sure you blamed your horrible old step-father for all of your mistakes. How else could you get into that academy of yours? They don't just take failure washouts normally. No, you just find someone else to blame it on. You'd never take the blame for your own mistakes. Nobody could ever get you to listen to anything. Not me, not Walken, not Barnes, not even Kodos!"_

The image faded from the screen as the lights brightened, once more illuminating a deathly silent courtroom.

"Captain, could you enlighten the court as to just what association you have with the last name on that list?"

Jim gritted his teeth to bear having to answer the necessary question.

"Fifteen years ago, my step-father, the defendant, decided he'd had enough of me and sent me to live with relatives on Tarsus IV. Less than a year after I arrived the planet's crops were wiped out by a bacterial fungus. Governor Kodos's 'solution' to the declining food supply was to have roughly half of the colony's population of eight thousand put to death. Anyone who attempted to resist was killed. Starfleet later found evidence that Kodos was aware of the fungus for at least six months before the situation became desperate, possibly longer, and did nothing so he could use it as an excuse to institute his eugenics policies. He carefully crafted the lists of who lived and who died to leave the survivors as those he felt would breed more genetically perfect specimens."

Cogley was nodding, making an obvious effort to keep his face stiff and expressionless. "How did the defendant's outburst in the mess hall show you that he was complicit in the massacre?"

Jim closed his eyes so briefly that most probably mistook it for a blink before answering.

"When I was little, I was incredibly stubborn. Many people tried to get me to listen to what they wanted me to hear, very few doing so gently. A kid who is getting into trouble and resistant to authority is a magnet for bullies of all varieties. The defendant was expressing his frustration for never being able to make me do what he wanted himself. The thing that everyone on his list had in common was someone who not only tried to break me, but someone who did it because Frank wanted them to. His coworkers, poker buddies, rowdy bar friends. Everyone but Kodos. When I heard him put Kodos on that list, I realized that Frank had known what was going to happen when he sent me to Tarsus, meaning he had foreknowledge of Kodos's plans. Kodos was the latest in his attempts to break me."

Cogley nodded, saying in a clear voice that rang through the room, "Nothing further, your honor."

Cogley sat down, and Frank's lawyer, a gray skinned Binderi name Fasel got up taking Cogley's former position next to Kirk.

"Captain, how would you characterize your relationship with your step-father when you were living with him? Adversarial?"

"Objection!" yelled Cogley, shooting out of his seat. "Leading the witness."

"Sustained."

Fasel nodded at the rebuke and turned back to Jim. "Your relationship, Captain?"

"I'd say adversarial is as good a word as any."

"You didn't listen to him."

"No."

"You didn't like him."

"Being hit repeatedly tends to have that effect on me."

"And yet you did nothing about his supposed treatment of you? You never told anyone?"

"My brother Sam tried once. All he got for his trouble was a face full of bruises and a broken collarbone. I didn't see any point in trying after that."

"But you don't like your step-father. You never have."

"No."

Fasel nodded before pursuing another tack. "Captain, you stated that the list my client gave was of those whom he had had try to break you personally. Correct?"

"Yes."

"But Kodos the Executioner committed his crime against an entire colony. How was he personally trying to break your spirit if he never even saw you personally?"

Of course, Frank's lawyer would have to ask the one question he had been hoping against hope would not come up during the trial. Jim mumbled his reply through his clenched jaw.

Fasel, apparently sensing weakness, jumped on him, leaning in closer and smirking. "I'm sorry, Captain, what was that?"

"I said he did see me personally."

The gray man jerked back in surprise, clearly not having expected that, before recovering. "Captain, one of the most well-documented facts about the massacre is that Kodos killed all those who resisted him and got caught. Why would he have not killed you?"

"Believe me, he intended to."

Fasel raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"

Jim ran his tongue around his mouth as he worked up the will to answer the question, pushing all of his strength into holding down the memories struggling to bubble to the surface.

"Kodos wanted something from me. When he caught me, he tried to make me give it to him. I wouldn't. If I had, he would have killed me right then and there."

"You were thirteen years old. What could you have possibly had that would have made Kodos torture you instead of killing you?"

Jim snapped his head around to face the lawyer even as Cogley shot out of his seat to object, rage blazing at the use of the word torture as well as the question. "That's none of your business!"

The gray man seemed taken aback by the extent of Kirk's anger. He opened his mouth to respond to Kirk when the judge's gavel interrupted him.

"Objection sustained. Move away from it, counselor."

Fasel nodded slowly at the judge. He glanced quickly at Kirk before turning back to the judge. "Nothing further your honor."

The judge excused Jim from the stand and declared a recess for the time being. Kirk gratefully zipped toward the door once the judge left, only to be met by reporters on all sides pressing in, shouting questions over each other.

Kirk felt his world starting to spin. All these people were asking him questions about Tarsus as if it were their G-D-given right to know, breaking memory after memory through to the surface. Jim closed his eyes, wishing against hope that someone, anyone would rescue him from the onslaught. As if in answer to his silent prayer, his skin began to tingle. Jim opened his eyes to find the courtroom and the reporters fading into a tangle of color, to be replaced a moment later by the magnificent sight of the _Enterprise_ transporter room and the concerned visage of Montgomery Scott.

Jim stood panting, trying to gulp in air to stop his head buzzing from the reporter's assault. Between breaths he tried to say something to put his engineer at ease. "Who- put you- up to this- Scotty?"

"Mr. Spock figured those daft reporters might mob ye on the way out, and that ye might not be ready for it just then. So he had me standing by here for his signal to help ye give em the slip."

Jim had never, ever been more grateful for his Vulcan friend and first officer before. Nor his engineer for that matter. "Thanks."

Scotty nodded as Jim sat down on step of the transporter pad, not really feeling like going anywhere just then. He was barely aware of Scotty silently moving forward and sitting down next to him, but he was very much aware of his friend's presence, having a second person at his back for the second time in as many days that he faced his ghosts. Like Bones the night before last, he had no idea how to thank him, or to express just how much it meant, but the beauty of his friends was that he didn't need to. They just knew, leaving him able to sit in the silence he needed on the ship he loved, with one of the family he loved, both of whom had just yanked him out of a situation that scared him more than any ten armies of Klingons.


End file.
